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Cousin Sal Gives His Betting Tips

Screw the point spread. Jimmy Kimmel Live!’s Cousin Sal shows you the Super Bowl wagers that will get you paid. Possibly.


 

This is it: the Super Bowl. Very exciting, and yet much more so if you take full advantage of a special bonus the gambling gods offer on Super Bowl Sunday called the proposition wager. (Sure, the words “Super Bowl” are trademarked or whatever, but they’re unavoidable, and it’s ridiculous to keep saying “the big game,” so sue me, Goodell.) Moving on. Prop bets, defined as specific events that take place in or around the game, are set up to make the game more enjoyable and help us forget that for the next seven months all we’ll have to wager on is college hoops and which Real Housewife will be the next to contract HPV. So without further ado, here are seven prop bets worth blowing a paycheck on.

The Coin Toss
You’re not a true de­gen­erate gambler till you’ve lost a few hundred bucks before the game even begins. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: That stuff about how “tails never fails”? Total horseshit. I swear that back in the mid-’80s I saw it come up heads.

Who will the presi­dent pick to win in his pregame interview?
Yes, this proposition exists, and it infuriates me that we as a nation don’t take better advan­tage of it. If I’m Obama, I say, “OK, I will bet $300 trillion that I’m going to pick the Pack­ers to beat the Steelers. There…done. Now the federal deficit is Man­dalay Bay’s problem.”

Cross-Sports Propositions
These are fun. They com­pare Super Bowl occur­rences with those in other sporting events. For example: Hines Ward receiving yards vs. Phil Mickelson’s fourth-round score in the Northern Trust Open. Often I’ll make my own cross-sports props, like longest field goal vs. num­ber of chicken wings I can eat. Usually I win big. My wife and the master toilet don’t fare as well.  

How long will the national anthem last?
Whatever the length, bet the over. Last year Christina Aguilera screwed up the lyrics. To make up for it, she held the final word, “brave,” till the third quarter. It’s all about airtime with these narcissistic singers.

How many points will be scored?
There’s good value in betting higher. Five of the 45 Super Bowls have seen 40 points or more. And these higher ranges pay much better than 9-1. Last year 61 to 65 points would’ve paid 18-1; 66 to 70, 40-1. Weird things happen in the Super Bowl. Safeties are less worried about their role in the Cover 2 than getting caught with a prostitute the night before. I wish I was making this up.

Who will the MVP thank first?
Your choices are usually God, teammates, fans, or family. I go with “he will thank nobody” (pays about 4-1). Chances are the MVP will be too con­cussed to remember his own name, let alone the man upstairs.

What color Gatorade will be dumped on the winning coach’s head?
Usually the victorious squad team will spare their coach and go “clear.” Last year I went with orange (5-1) and won. I guess the Pack­ didn’t care that Mike McCarthy had to do hours of interviews all sticky and orange—much like Snooki exiting the smoosh room. 

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