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Roommate Wars: Ninjas vs. Zombies

Ninja Gaiden 3 and Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City are both out on March 20, so you’re about to spend a lot of time with a zombie or a ninja. which would make a better roommate?


His total silence in all situations means it sounds like his girlfriend is making sex noises by herself. This is hot.

He knows how to punch dudes in a way that makes them immediately shit themselves—and he can teach you.

He’s allowed to talk about Fight Club…and his stories about it are AWESOME.

He never uses your microwave, because he insists that all dishes are best served cold.

It’s hard to understand what he’s saying because he’s been so poorly dubbed.

His jokes about being “silent but deadly” have gotten really, really old.

You find him swearing vengeance over the body of a dead master eight times a month.

He thinks it’s funny to put poison-frog blow darts in your bong.

He loves correcting you when you use the word ninjas, because he insists that the plural of the word ninja is ninja.


He’s always got money for rent, thanks to that life-insurance policy.

You’ll never walk in on him masturbating (thanks to the dog next door, who ate his dick).

Anytime cops stop you for speeding, you just have to yell,

“I gotta get my buddy to the hospital!”

The YouTube video you made of him walking into things around the house has more than three million hits.

When you send him across the street to the store, it takes him two and a half hours.

He keeps leaving stuff in the sink. Like his nose.

He “liked” that status update about your grandpa dying.

The CDC checkpoint outside your house adds 15 minutes to your commute.

You discovered that, thanks to his preferred diet, there really is such a thing as a “brain fart.”