This Is Not a Hoverboard

Repeat after me.
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Repeat after me.
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We need to talk about hoverboards.

Hoverboards have taken the country by storm. Wiz Khalifa was handcuffed by LAX security for riding one. Walmart, the country's largest employer, is going to start selling them. Hoverboard dancing is a new YouTube phenomenon. On Friday morning, the perpetually saccharine Good Morning America subjected innocent households to a horrifying performance by the Bot Bros, a scrubby ensemble that garnered a smidgen of viral fame for their coordinated rendition of a Justin Bieber song. 

Let me set the record straight once and for all: these things are not hoverboards. Period. 

There seems to be some confusion over what it actually means to "hover." To hover

means

"to hang fluttering in the air or on the wing" or "to remain suspended over a place or object." Helicopters do it, although the automatic "hover" button you probably saw Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson mess with in 

San Andreas

is

extremely rare

on conventional aircraft. Technically, hovercraft do hover, albeit on a

cushion of air

 that's contained and regulated by a flexible curtain that traps air currents. And Marty McFly's iconic makeshift hoverboard (which, may I remind you, he stole from a small child like a total dick) is the childhood model on which we've based all of our hoverboard dreams.



Those two-wheeled monstrosities, the foremost symbols of douchiness after the upside-down visor and the double popped collar, are not hoverboards. Yes, the media (us included) jumped on the "hoverboard" bandwagon to generate excitement, but make no mistake: if it has wheels and touches the ground, it's not a hoverboard. They, by definition, don't fucking hover above the ground. The only thing they do is make you look like a hapless asshole. Exhibit A:





Exhibit B:

Exhibit C: Everyone on the Internet.

You get the idea. It's not that hoverboards don't actually exist. Remember that time Tony Hawk rode a Arx Pax's Hendo hover prototype around a skating facility less than a year ago? That company raised more than half a million on Kickstarter and expect to start shipping their product this month. THIS MONTH, PEOPLE. 



The Hendo hoverboard is a real hoverboard, and it's going to be a reality sooner than you think. That two-wheeled nuisance causing a problem in your neighborhood is not. Do us a favor and don't ride these things in public — and if you do, call it something else. Call it a Virgin Mover, a Frat Wagon, or a DoucheScoot, but don't call it a fucking hoverboard.

Marty McFly thanks you.