You don’t need pencils. You need spirit hoods.
As stores begin filling aisles with Christmas decorations, you should be stocking up on the necessary school supplies. We’ll assume you’ve got the pencils and protractors, and anything else school-related can surely be accomplished via Wikipedia. But here are the non-educational items you’ll need to impress and inspire.
Nokia Lumia 900 Windows Phone ($49.99)
If you're in college, you need a phone that handles all your social networking needs...at a price that you can actually afford. The Lumia 900 Windows Phone is not only fast (thanks to AT&T’s 4G LTE network) but it has the largest display of any Nokia phone (a gigantic 4.3 inches), making it easy for you to read late-night messages. But you better buy two, because you will lose one at Jason’s house. And it’s not Jason’s fault. Take better care of your stuff, man.
SpiritHoods (From $99)
What better way to support your team than by wearing a...wolf...thing...with pockets? While the SpiritHood trend may seem a tad too “Japanese Pop” for some, you have to admire any man who can pull off this look. And women wearing the hood will always look adorable. Yes, even your aunt. (Especially your aunt.) The hoods now come in school colors, which is great news unless your school colors are Clear and Imaginary Yellow.
Water Bobble ($10)
The bottle has a filter at the top. Squeeze the bottle and the water passes through the filter and into your mouth. And thus, you will avoid catching the thousands of nasty diseases frothing around the campus water fountains, such as swine flu and pregnancy.
Ultrabooks are the new laptop, and this skinny-but-strong computer is as stylish as it is tough. Coming in at just 6 mm at its thinnest, the XPS is small enough to take everywhere, but the 13.3’’ HD display is large enough for all computing needs. Just don’t be stupid and decorate it with stickers from bands that no one has heard of. That’s like painting “Hey hot girl at Starbucks, ask me about music!” on the Mona Lisa.
Become the king of your smelly apartment with this Western Router. Not only will it connect all your digital doodads, and create a wireless network for the entire house, but the very best thing about this router is the easy peasey set up. No more spending 600 hours of typing random numbers into cryptic computer forms. The Western folks have made a true miracle: A router so easy to install, you’ll only yell curse words of joy!
IVI Sunglasses ($150)
These shades look damn good while keeping the world from seeing your bleary, disgusting morning eyes. Besides, it’s time you ditch the pair you bought at the grocery store and step up to some real lenses.
Pulling your cell phone out to check the time every three minutes is annoying. Keep track of the agonizing minutes left in your lecture with these e-ink watches. That’s right. E-ink! The same juice flowing through your Kindle is now keeping time, and that makes for a cool look and an even cooler battery life. Plus, though the company just stared at us when we said so, we truly believe the red watch gave us super powers.
Yes, we’re including a book on your shopping list. But it’s only one book, and it’s a very funny book, and there are only about 200 sentences in the whole thing. Written by Alec Sulkin, Artie Johann, and Mike Desilets (all of whom are Family Guy writers), the book collects their funniest and most fascinating Tweets. Such as: Revenge is never sweeter than when it’s taken on somebody’s toothbrush. Of course, instead of buying the book you could just click their names above and follow them on Twitter.
Dyson’s DC39 Animal ($500)
This portable vacuum is aimed at pet owners, but it’s great if you live with animals or in an Animal House. Granted, the price is steep, but keep in mind three things. 1. Dyson creates amazing, impressive vacuums that will make all homemakers squeal. 2. It has the hi-tech Ball technology, which is fun to say. 3. It’s called the DC39 Animal. If you ever find anything called a the DC39 Animal, you must buy it. It sounds like some sort of Sex Droid. (Note: Despite its name, it is not some sort of Sex Droid. Of this we swear.)
This on-the-go margarita maker has a rechargeable battery that can make up to 60 drinks in one charge. Finally, you’ll be able to make margaritas on the roof or in poverty stricken areas of the world where electricity is but a myth. Sorry we got kinda depressing there. Hey, who wants margaritas on the roof?!!?
Pelican Urban Elite Backpack ($299)
This heavy duty backpack comes with a crushproof and watertight compartment for a laptop or your precious slabs of stained glass. (Why are you carrying slabs of stained glass, anyway? College kids are weird.) It also has an impact-safe front compartment for your iPad, an S-curve for back support, and plenty of other compartments for everything Indiana Jones needs. So rolling in to your 3 p.m. Philosophy class during a mild drizzle shouldn’t be a problem, Indy.
Attention all young people: Your online videos look horrible. Please use this HD Webcam. Not only can you pivot it 360-degrees to find the right angle, but it will make your lip sync videos actually look good, instead of seeming like your recorded them on a Etch-a-Sketch. The camera shoots in full 1080p HD, has an impressive autofocus and uses TrueColor Technology to make your videos pop. Use it. You’re welcome.
Skullcandy Fix Earbuds ($70)
These little buds pack a lot of sound, so it’s great for listening to music during class. But the key feature to the “Fix” series is that they were made to say put. Perfect for exercising and wild sex. If you and your partner each have a pair, you can listen to what you want while expressing your love. She can listen to Adele. You can listen to old Bill Cosby albums. And your relationship will be 102% wonderful!
Erno Laszlo Sea Mud Soap ($40)
Impress everyone who shares the bathroom with your fancy, mud soap. It’s made from real sea mud, which is cool to say, and the mud helps your skin and circulation using magic mud magic. Plus, it looks like the soap Batman would use. $40 for Batman soap is a hell of bargain.
How do you currently deal with wayward paperclips and desk garbage? If you said anything besides mechanical bulldozer or controlled fire, then you’re not a real man. Use this little robot to impress your roommate's girlfriend.
Collegiate Toast ($40)
Because you’re going to be eating a diet of bread and whatever nutrients are in plaque, why not spice up your poor man’s breakfast by asking your parents to buy you this unnecessary, but very cool toaster.