Animal hit the top of the charts, you’re touring the world, and you’re the hottest thing in pop music. How does it all feel?
I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone sometimes—I need to seriously pinch my leg. I’m like, “Am I sleeping? Is this real?”
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How was appearing at the Grammys?
I had to check my head. At one point Ringo Starr came over and said, “Congratulations.” I was like, “Congratulations on being a fucking Beatle, man.” That was awkward.
Then you got onstage with tween sensation Justin Bieber.
He’s a tiny little baby! I would’ve loved to push him around onstage in a carriage.
Did you see your pal Katy Perry? You were in the video for “I Kissed a Girl,” after all.
She was like, “Now both of us are famous!”
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Oh, yeah. I don’t remember if I’ve ever made out with Katy, but I’ve kissed some bitches in my life.
All your songs seem to be based on events that actually happened to you.
No names have been changed, no details have been spared. And I think people are shocked because I speak the way I would to my closest friends—the good, the bad, and the ugly. My latest single, “Blah Blah Blah,” is about douchebag guys hitting on me.
You’ve heard some bad lines?
Wanna know my favorite? This guy said, “Oh, my God, did you just fart? ’Cause you blew me away!” I was like “Ew!”
Not so sexy. Now, your song “Stephen” is about stalking a dude. Is he a real person?
I’ve been stalking him since I was 15. He’s this loser who wouldn’t call me. You always want what you can’t have, so I wrote a song about him. Anyway, I got a phone call from him after the record came out. I said, “You’re so vain, thinking that song was about you.”
So you’re not into him anymore?
No, he can suck it. I was like, “I know you sit around jacking off listening to that song.”
And “Dinosaur” is about old guys macking?
I actually like old guys, but “Dinosaur” is about the creepy rich ones who think they can hit on young girls. Like, while they’re hitting on you, their toupee is about to fall into your drink, and they don’t know it. They make you wanna throw up sober.
In “Party at a Rich Dude’s House,” you sing about “pissin’ in the Dom Perignon.” Really?
That one is about me and my friends getting bored in L.A. and crashing house parties. Cruise, crash, destroy…then bail. Anyway, I think champagne is gross and kind of tastes like pee. So to show my disdain for it, I pee in the bottles.
You sound like a real party girl.
That depends. You’ve got to define “party girl.” If you mean I’m a walking good time, then hells yeah. But I’m not wasted and stumbling out of clubs and getting DUIs. I’m not that kind of party girl. I may be blonde and fun as balls, but I’m not a moron.
Is it true you like bearded guys? Word is you have a crush on Zach Galifianakis.
Yeah, I think he’s a mega-fox. I like guys with beards and who don’t see very well. That way they can’t see any other hot girls.
Do you have a boyfriend now?
No, no boyfriend. I mean, if I met a chubby, bearded man with glasses who didn’t mind being covered in glitter, maybe we could talk. I have yet to find such a man.
Yeah, you seem to really love glitter.
If you’re wearing glitter and make out with a dude with a beard—which are the only kind of dudes I make out with anyways—it stays there for at least three days. It makes it look like they’ve been with a stripper, so no other girls will make out with them.
That makes sense. Did you enjoy doing your Maxim shoot?
Absolutely, I love you guys. It felt pretty cool prancing around like a mega-babe. Usually my shoots aren’t super sexy, but you guys got me all sexed up. This is definitely the most naked I’ve ever gotten in front of a camera before. I mean, like, in my life. Except for maybe when I was a baby.
A question about your name: When you sign checks, do you use the dollar sign?
If I’m feeling frisky, sure. Why not?
In your smash hit “TiK ToK,” you say you “brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack.” Have you ever actually brushed your teeth with Jack Daniel’s?
I have. I woke up in Vegas once and there was no toothpaste, but there was some leftover Jack Daniel’s. I figured it would be good for my morning breath.
So have you ever done shots of Colgate?
Shots of Colgate? No. That’s so ghetto.