The bad news: It's a male stripper.
Revolutionpix/Fame Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
Every now and again, a woman comes along who is capable of turning any man into a helpless, dribbling wreck. A woman who seems to be made entirely of curves. A woman with a smile that's just the right side of completely, hilariously crazy. Sofia Vergara, clearly, is such a woman. Currently our favorite part of Modern Family (no small feat), and easily the most enjoyable part of Machete Kills, we've been hopelessly in love with the Colombian bombshell for a while now. And after her appearance on Ellen yesterday, we discovered something we never knew about ourselves: That what we really, really wanted to do with our lives was become a barista-themed male stripper. Because then, the lucky, lucky man in this video could have been us.
Oh well. We'll just have to console ourselves by remembering that time Sofia Vergara posed for Maxim. Or that time she posed for our former stablemate, Stuff. Or that time she came to our house to cook us dinner wearing nothing but a very tiny apron. (It's possible we may have dreamed the last one. Which is why we're going to take a nap right away and see if we can get back to our happy place.)