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Movember’s nearly here, and that means it’s time to ditch that wispy little thing you normally grow and do something impressive. Like one of these…

The Hulkamaniac

Pro: A bleach-blond stash looks awesome when you pair it with red and yellow feather boas and a sweet leg drop.

Con: Looks spectacularly bad with your regular accountant outfit.

The Victorian Strongman-

Pro: You can say things like, “Wladimir! Wladimir, watch me as I hold this grandfather clock above my head with just one hand! Now unleash the angry bull elephant, I must wrestle!”

Con: You can’t fit a Penny-farthing on most bike lanes.

The Neck Strap (Left)-

Pro: Gives excitable nieces and nephews built in reigns when giving horsey rides.

Con: Gives excitable nieces and nephews built in reigns when giving horsey rides.

The Dragon-

Pro: If you’re a redhead, it looks like you’re blowing a constant stream of fiery flame from each nostril.

Con:You can’t get away with dying your facial hair green.

The Sheriff-

Pro: You can walk around anywhere with a stogie clamped between your teeth and it’ll look completely natural.

Con: Every time you walk into a bar, people will shoot at you.

The Rollie Fingers -

Pro: Mustache attracts baseball fans, and old-timey conversations--especially if you're in Oakland.

Con: Wax costs can add up.

The Crazy Old Bastard-

Pro: This is a stash that tells people, “I do not give two flying shits through a rolling donut what you think of me, and yes, that is beef and vegetable soup on the end, what of it?”

Con: Will probably tickle your nipples in the shower.

The Please-God-Make-It-Stop-

Pro: It’s funny…at first.

Con: It’s also completely fucking terrifying.

The Chest-stash-

Pro: It’s not only a kick-ass long mustache, it’s also a legitimate reason for walking around with your shirt off like a boss.

Con: You have got to be hairier than a Wampa’s hairiest testicle to pull this off.

The Ringmaster-

Pro: It gives you the legal right to keep a cage full of freaks behind your place of (temporary) residence.

Con: You will be constantly surrounded by clowns.

The Old West Villain-

Pro: It’s perfectly acceptable to walk into a bordello, point at the line of grinning hostesses and say, “I’ll take all of ‘em”.

Con: Juries will always, always side against you.

The Walrus-

Pro: Well, you look like a walrus.

Con: You also look like the Eggman.

More Mustaches and Beards (TK LINK)

12 Awesome Mustaches