Eat It America!
Swankiest Catch
15 East
New York City
Japan. Lost the war, but convinced us to eat raw fish. Go figure. Ponder this conundrum while enjoying the procession of sublime surprises that is the tasting menu ($120) at 15 East. No Iron Chef double-fried spicy mayo theatrics here. Just clean, perfect flavors. And steamed giant clam.

Mightiest Mussels
Monk’s Café
Philadelphia, PA
If Monk’s eponymous moules selection ($20) steamed with Belgian beer, white wine, garlic, and parsley doesn’t blow your balls off, the fries dipped into their bourbon mayo will.

Most Famous Wienie
Nathan’s
Coney Island, NY
Until you’ve chewed a Nathan’s frank, particularly from its landmark Coney Island locale, you simply have not eaten a wiener ($2.75). Nab one at an airport or movie theater, and if you close your eyes you can see a tranny in clear heels tripping on the boardwalk.

Breakfast Of Kings
Yank
Sing San Francisco, CA
A millennium ago, dim sum was pre-pared solely for Chinese emperors. Today regular fat-asses can join the hot-pocket parade, the best of which is here. They serve dozens of varieties, but those in the know grab the “Shanghai”—minced pork, scallion, and ginger, steamed in their own broth—when they roll by ($11). Have your napkin at the ready.

Best Place To Eat An Entire Animal
Phillips Seafood House
Ocean City, MD
At Phillips you get one Chesapeake Bay soft shell ($10), deep-fried till it’s crunchy on the outside, tangy and soft on the inside, on any bread you want. Fixin’s—tartar sauce, lettuce, tomato—come on the side, and it’s an extra buck for fries. Maryland folk don’t like anything interfering with their crabs. You shouldn’t, either.

Hottest Sausagefest
Brat House
Milwaukee, WI
Located across the street from the legendary Usinger’s Famous Sausage, Brat House serves up 
a juicy, all-pork sausage—plain or piled with onions, sauerkraut, and cheese—and your choice of 
side for the righteous price of $7. Our rec? The baked beans made with ground sirloin and bacon.
Pair with: Dual nine-ounce mugs of ice-cold Schlitz. Then, for the love of God, eat a breath mint.

Best Mud Bugs
Hawk’s Crawfish
Rayne, LA
Louisiana superchef Donald Link calls Cajun patriarch “Hawk” Arcenaux’s crustaceans “the best crawfish anywhere.” The coup de grace: the crawfish boil (market price), a sloppy, savory, down-home feast.

Perfect Pizza
The Original Frank Pepe Pizzeria Napoletana 

New Haven, CT
Prepare for us to sing the praises of a pizza that has no sauce and no mozzarella on it. Ready? The white clam pie at Pepe’s ($24). Every bite is a journey into garlicky clam juicy joy. Each pie is lovingly heaped with garlic-and-olive-oil-bathed clams, then sent into a brick oven until the insanely delicious dough is toasted to slightly charred perfection. Mama mia!

Holiest Cow
St. Elmo
Indianapolis, IN
The jacketed waiters are there to help you ambush your arteries. Let them. The order: 16 oz. bone-in fillet, rare, with sides of king crab mac’n’cheese, onion rings, and green beans ($80).

Fanciest Pig-Out
Q Roadhouse & BBQ
Jackson Hole, WY
Exec chef Roger Freedman turns out a life-changing honey-beer brined pork chop, which he pairs with buttery fennel-apple potato gratin and sweet-and-sour cabbage ($20). 
Pair with: Snake River Pale Ale on tap.

Deadliest Catch
Tracy’s King Crab Shack
Juneau, AK
You’ll understand why men risk their lives to pull king crabs out of the Bering Sea as you gorge yourself into oblivion on bucket after bucket of meaty claws drenched in melted butter ($49) at this dockside stand. The purest wild king crab you’ll ever crack.

Nuclear Noodles
Blue Ash Chili
Mason, OH
Blue Ash’s Cincinnati chili five-way ($5.30) is a bed of thin spaghetti with cinnamon-spiked chili, kidney beans, diced onions, and delicate curls of cheddar piled indelicately high on top. Sure, it looks like an orange-haired Muppet, but after that first bite you’d stab Kermit in the neck for another taste.

Most Unexpected BBQ Brilliance
Hickory Park
Ames, IA
Iowa? Really? This Ames institution churns out the best BBQ sandwich on Earth, though they should consider changing its name: The Saucy Southerner ($4.50) is a daring combo of hickory-smoked beef, pork, and turkey smothered in BBQ sauce. Wash it down with a $7 pitcher of beer, and still buy a condo with your leftover lunch money.

Heavenliest Burger
In-N-Out Burger
AZ, CA, NV, UT
Follow our drool to burger heaven.

Jumbo Gumbo
Juban’s
Baton Rouge, LA
Stick your fork in a heaping hearty stew of smoked chicken, roasted duck, and fresh andouille sausage that strikes the perfect mix of steamy spice and smoky sweetness ($10). Best consumed at lunch with all the red-faced, seersuckered attorneys, or on a Friday night with a gaggle of giggly LSU Tiger cheerleaders who instinctively call you “Daddy.”