Not long ago, I was at a friend’s apartment when I wandered by his roommate’s bedroom. I heard the telltale signs of mattress springs squeaking in passionate rhythm. “Good for him,” I thought. But then I paused, ears pricked toward the door like the voyeuristic little creep that I am. The mattress was all I heard. Why couldn't I hear her? Was this girl dead? Were congratulations premature?
You see, I have a secret. If you were to meet me on the street, you’d never know it. I’m five-foot nothing and painfully quiet in new situations: I don’t even like talking on the phone if I can avoid it. But ask any man I’ve ever dated, or any neighbor I’ve shared a wall with, and you’ll be painted a different picture entirely: I’m really loud in bed. And I think you should be, too.
It teaches your partner what you like
Men are naturally conditioned to re-enact what they see in porn, and while some of that is great, the rest is tragically overblown, overacted cinema in all its glory. (For the love of god, stop spitting on women’s vaginas. Just. Stop.) It’s rare a new partner will know what you want, so making noise is clear-cut way to give positive reinforcement: excited sounds = keep going. No sounds = maybe check in and see if this is working. It’s like taking Pavlov into the bedroom, but with less drool.
It shows that you’re not just a passive bystander in the bedroom
Man or woman, there’s nothing worse than a starfish: lying motionless with splayed limbs while your buddy goes to town. Making sounds, or to be clinical, “copulatory vocalizations,” is part of a laundry list of ways to get in the game, even if your partner is on top. Wrap your legs around them, squeeze their biceps, and for the love of god, don't let the bedframe be the loudest party in the room.
Embracing your inner animal can actually turn you on
Like it or not, we’re all just animals. And sex is inherently hilarious. The positions we tangle ourselves into, the faces we involuntarily make, dicks? If you stop taking yourself so seriously and embrace your animalistic origins, making noises when the mood strikes can actually heighten your arousal. Feeling in touch with your body is a contagious aphrodisiac.
If that's not enough, it'll also turn them on
Ask a man what his top turn ons are, and guaranteed to be on his list is “seeing you turned on.” It seems rather sweet, but may also stem from a desire to think that his junk possess a magical power that melts women into orgasmic puddles, incapable of even forming post-coital sentences. Either way, it’s true. No one is advocating faking an orgasm, but if dialing up the volume in bed gets his motor running, you both stand to benefit.
Getting caught is half the fun
In college, my poor housemates drew straws to decide who would be forced to take the bedroom next to mine. I don’t blame them. But I also won’t deny that there’s a tiny part of me that reveled in that exhibitionism. If you’re having a good time, make like Katy Perry and let them hear you roar. You might just inspire someone else.
So to all my roommates, past, present, and future: I'm sorry. But only a little. On the flip side, I won't ever complain if I return home and there's a sock on the door. Keep doing you, so long as I can still hear my Netflix.
Photos by Getty