You need a new gig, but no job is perfect. You may think working at a hot, sexy website is easy. But we’re sure the guys who work at Oreos.com say differently. With the economy still toppled, it may be time to find a new line of work. Where to start? Activate your resume-writing program and apply to these easy-peasy occupations.
1. Wheel of Fortune Writer
WRITER 1: How about “Basketball Player” for puzzle #4?
WRITER 2: Or maybe “Basketball Players.” The extra S will spice things up.
WRITER 1: Perfect! Huzzah!
WRITER 2: Let’s leave work early and watch Shallow Hal.
TROY: Can I come too?
WRITER 2: Dammit, Troy! Not until you finish puzzle #7!
TROY: Hmm. I got it! “Martin Short…Sleeve Shirt”!
WRITER 1: You are the Shakespeare of our time, Troy…
And with that, the workday ended.
2. Trumpet Player
Come on! Three keys to press? That’s it? The pianist has to wiggle his fingers across 88 musical buttons. That’s like 29 trumpets! And that doesn’t even count those three pedals at the bottom. Trumpet players are slackers.
3. Funny Car Driver
The car does all the work. Loving a Funny Car driver is like admiring the air inside a balloon. Plus, the race is over in 8 seconds. If these guys take a half-day, that’s 4 seconds of work! Banker’s hours indeed.
4. Steven Spielberg’s Butler
Steve’s a busy guy lately. He ended last year by directing Tin-Tin and War Horse, and in 2012 he’s producing The River, Smash, and Terra Nova for the small screen; Men in Black 3, Lincoln, and When World’s Collide for the big screen. And he’s directing Lincoln and Robopocalypse. Needless to say, he’s not home much these days. And that means his butler is free to hang out in the pool house, which Steve probably calls "The House that Hook Built."
5. Cat Toy Manufacturer
Anything can be a cat toy. Anything. Cats will play with dust, ribbon, ghosts, garbage, shadows and molecules of air. Glue a feather on a nickel and you’ll have a cat toy.
6. Trumpet Teacher
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who teach must be real dumb and lazy. It’s just three buttons!
Yes, they still exist. But their main job is to say, “Here, let me look that up for you on the computer,” and, “Please don’t tell anyone what happened. Promise?”
8. Salt Miner
It’s a tough job…or is it? If mining salt is so difficult, why do restaurants just give it away at your table? They don't give away King Crab legs, do they?
9. Jet Salesman
Selling aircraft may seem difficult, but since each unit can cost in the seven-figure range, a jet salesman need to sell only one or two a year.
Since the manned missions to space are on hold, what do these men and women do all day besides brag to others, “You know what the weirdest thing about living in space is? No, of course you wouldn’t. You never left Earth. Ha!”
11. Professional Roulette Player
It’s simple: If the ball lands on red, then obviously it will probably land on black after the next spin. And then you’ll get two red spins. And then three blacks. Then it lands on 18. Duh.
12. Private Detective
There was a time when Dicks were cool and dangerous. Only they had the high-tech wizardry needed to spy on cheating husbands and missing heiresses. But now all you need to be a sleuth is a cell phone with some handy apps. The Case of the Scarlet Dolphin can be solved with a Facebook message and Google Earth.
13. Pinecone People Maker
This isn’t a job, yet. But our idea is to stick googly eyes and felt clothing on pinecones and sell them at the craft bazaar. Because Etsy frowned upon our creations, this is the only way we can sell them. By the way, did we mention they’re extremely erotic in both appearance and odor?
14. Stadium Security Screeners
There’s no way in hell you can sneak contraband into a sporting event…unless you hide it near your shins, ankles, forearms, back, pockets, shoes, under a hat, beneath a jacket, or in a trash bag stuffed down your pants. We appreciate the effort from the security team, but two pats on the belly won’t exactly make the world a safer place.
15. Cooking Competition Judge
You tell people they can only make a dessert using cinnamon, napkins and rope and then bitch them out for twenty minutes because you didn’t enjoy the flavor? That’s not a job. That’s just as brutal, and easy, as fraternity hazing.
16. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Customer Support
It sure must suck to spend your entire workday hearing people congratulate you and your company on making an edible version of heaven.
17. Dot-to-Dot Book Author
“Yep. It’s a bicycle.”
18. Artist for Family Circus comic strip
By this point, don’t they have enough drawings of Jeffy, Billy, Dolly, the baby, the dad and the super sexy mom? We’re pretty sure the comic artists are simply tracing previous strips, or copying and pasting. And yes, we would do the mom. You would too. She’s a filthy, filthy temptress…
19. Drama Teacher
“Pretend you’re someone else. But more so…”
20. Saturday Night Live Announcer
The voice of Don Pardo is such a show staple that NBC flies Don from his home in Arizona to New York every week so he can be live in the studio to say important phrases such as “Kristen Wiig!” and the always great “With musical guest, The Black Eyed Peas!” That’s money well spent, NBC. While you’re handing out cash, can you buy us a new hat?
21. Opening Act for Bill Engvall
If they came to laugh at Bill’s unique look at the world, then they will also laugh if you stand on stage and sing a version of “Born in the U.S.A.” in which the word “born” is replaced with “corn.” Get it?! No? That’s a good thing.
22. Tight Rope Walker
Have you ever tried it? Probably not. There’s a good chance these performers are simply making it look difficult.
23. Third-Base Coach
They are living stoplights.
24. Radiohead Band Member Who Isn’t Thom Yorke
These guys (or elves?) hold down a note on the Casio keyboard and the art-rock fans go nuts.
25. Thom Yorke
26. Prime Minister of Greenland
27. Bartender in Utah
28. Orchestra Conductor
29. Elevator Operator
30. Ghost Hunter
31. Ghost Rescuer
32. Forensic Ballerina
33. Wine Taster
34. Pinball Machine Appraiser
36. Water Slide Namer
37. Lizard Groomer
39. Vice Count
40. Candy Corn Artist
41. Shoe Tester
42. Professional Kite Boarder Judge
43. Wedding Drummer
44. The guy who writes the five-word program summaries for the TV channel selection screen
46. Greeting Card Writer
47. Giraffe Hunter/Slayer
48. Mailer Daemon
49. Pole Vaulting Coach
50. Pole Vaulting Assistant Coach
51. Actress in a headache relief commercial
53. Hershey’s Quality Assurance Associate
54. Phone Number Assigner
55. Rookie Gambler (Beginner’s luck makes him a guaranteed winner.)
56. Media Analyst
57. Children’s Author
58. Adult Film Script Supervisor
60. Gremlin Merchant
62. Kiss-Cam Operator at Sporting Events
63. Lifeguard at the Olympics
70. Mrs. Claus
73. Animation Historian
74. Keanu Reeves’ Acting Coach
75. Thieving Roommate
76. Mafia Kingpin
77. Whatever Woody did on Cheers (That bar didn’t need 2 full-time bartenders and 2 full-time waitresses.)
78. High School Prom Committee Advisor
79. Adam Sandler’s Friend
80. Invertebrate Veterinarian
81. Movie Critic
82. Food Critic
83. Hot Air Balloon Critic
84. Snarky List Writer
85. Husband of Natalie Portman
88. Undercover Firefighter
89. Sleep Scientist
91. Lion Enrager
92. Undercover Poet
93. Basketball Court Mopper
96. Salad Chef (Anything with three ingredients can be a “salad.”)
97. Ant Breeder/Wrangler
98. Crooked Police Officer
99. Crooked Astrologist
100. Wheel of Fortune Fact Checker