Alfie is the ultimate player who has everything: any girl he wants, Jude Law good looks, and a wise-cracking alien roommate who loves to make collect calls. Er…scratch the alien. Anyway, while Alfie (Law) the man has two of those things going for him, Alfie the movie has nothing to offer. Filmed as a first-person narrative on how to be a smug British asshole in New York City and get laid doing it, this confused comedy falls on more ballad-in-the-rain moments than a John Cusack retrospective. And there are so few laughs amid Alfie's juggling of various ladies, from the cute Marisa Tomei to the hot Sienna Miller to the old Susan Sarandon, it's hard to pinpoint whether the movie's trying to be funny, heartfelt, or shitty. (Either way, it only accomplishes one.) The more Law talks to the camera, the more you want to smack the accent out of his mouth, and by the time his player character finally gets played, we're cheering for the ladies—which is something we usually reserve for the WNBA Finals.