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Explosions! Drama! Amnesia! Explosions! Did We Already Say That?

Maxim’s movie-previewing dogs do battle with G.I. Joe: Retaliation, The Place Beyond The Pines, and The Host.

 

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Out March 28, Rated PG-13


Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“Well, what can I say but ‘fuck yeah’? The Rock, Bruce Willis, and Adrianne Palicki in a balls-to-the-wall, real-life cartoon of an action movie – what’s not to like? Besides the 3D glasses, I mean - I can’t help shaking them off my face as soon as someone puts them on me.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I must say, this looks like fun. I was discouraged by the year-long delay, especially when the rumors were that it was mostly caused by the studio wanting to add in more of Channing Tatum, but according to those who’ve seen it, Tatum’s still barely in it, which we can all agree is good news. The main thing is, unlike the terrible, terrible first movie, this actually looks like the G.I. Joe toys we all know and love: Roadblock looks like Roadblock, Snake Eyes looks like Snake Eyes (no lips this time!), even the Cobra tank is clearly modeled on the classic H.I.S.S. I mean, look at this clip – this is exactly the sort of ridiculous scenario kids used to play out with their action figures. I mean, I didn’t, I just used to chew on them and then have to get bits of machine gun-shaped plastic removed from my small intestine by the vet, but you know what I mean.”

 

Billy’s take:

“I GAVE MYSELF A G.I. JOE-STYLE CODENAME! IT’S ‘BILLIE, ONLY WEARING A HAT.’ I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT MAKING UP CODENAMES.”

 

 

 

The Place Beyond The Pines

Out March 29, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of Focus Features

 

Holly’s take:

“If exploding toys aren’t for you, try this – it’s Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Ray Liotta, and Eva Mendes, starring in a big crime melodrama about a motorcycle daredevil-turned-criminal (Gosling) and the put-upon cop (Cooper) he gets entangled with. This seems like one to see if you want something to sink your teeth into this weekend (if you don’t already have them in a squirrel, at least. God, I hate squirrels.)”

 

Dexter’s take:

“The new movie from the director of the excellent Blue Valentine has had some mixed reviews – some folks found it overwrought and heavy-handed, while others found this angst-ridden examination of the father-son relationship to be just epic enough to work – but from what we’ve seen here, it looks beautifully shot and convincingly acted. Of course, I had a very personal connection to the picture, since the place beyond the pines is where I pee every morning.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I HAVE A LOT OF FATHER ISSUES. I’VE BEEN SUBSCRIBING TO FATHER MAGAZINE SINCE 1992.”

 

 

 

The Host

Out March 29, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Open Road Films

 

Holly’s take:

“OH GOD NOOOO! Twilight has finally finished its run at the movies, and now they’ve dug up another book by the same author to adapt? This looks so bad I actually started vomiting blood halfway through the trailer, and completely forgot to eat it again until later.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Sadly, this isn’t the awesome Korean horror film of the same name – instead, it’s more tweeny bullshit from Stephenie Meyer. Appropriately enough for a movie about amnesia-inducing aliens, this looks utterly forgettable.”

 

Billie’s take:

“WATCHING THIS TRAILER IS LIKE GETTING RUN DOWN BY A GARBAGE TRUCK, ONLY WITHOUT THE FUN PARTS.”

 

 

See What Our Dogs Thought Of Olympus Has Fallen, Admission, and InAPPropriate Comedy.

The Best Movie Sequels They Never Made.