In honor of Thanksgiving, the eatingest of all the holidays, we bow our heads and silently give our heartfelt appreciation for friends, family, and bountiful store-bought harvests. By Eric Alt
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449632111- Saying grace isn't just about praising the food in front of you, it's about taking stock of everything good in your life. It's also a time to honor any endorsement deals you've struck with, say, a beverage company. When all this is done, said grace will forever be your bitch.
449632129- Oh, the elderly. More than just a nagging reminder of your own mortality and the sole reason you have to serve jellied pork roast and pureed ribs every year, they're also vital to your family gathering's eventual spiral into chaos.
449632150- It's a common misconception that you have to drop everything and bow your head during grace. It is perfectly acceptable to keep right on chowing, but only—and this is a big "but"—only if you're an infamous murderer who could gut everyone at the table in under a minute without your pulse raising a beat. It's a small loophole, but an important one.
449632190- You're no public speakers either! Eh? EH? Anyone? Fuck you. Anyway, let's put aside this awkwardly pointless pre-meal sermon and focus on two things: Remembering when Sean Penn wasn't a self-important douche, and marveling at the presence of John C. Reilly. How many people even knew he was in this thing?
449632212- Just because you've welcomed people into your humble home doesn't mean you have to be all humble about that shit. Speak it loud, speak it clear: I paid for this goddamn meal, and y'all are lucky to be sharing it with me. Preach on, Brother Simmons. You are clearly a man in total control.
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