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Trailer Breakdown: "Godzilla"

The huge monster movie makes a huge entrance! But what exactly is happening in today's brand-new trailer?

It's been 15 years since America's last attempt at making a Godzilla movie, and that's almost - almost - enough time for that horrible taste of bile, regret, and confusion to have been washed out of our mouths. Next year's remake comes from director Gareth Edwards (who made 2010's excellent Monsters), so we've got high hopes for this version. The first trailer hit the Internet today, so let's try and figure out what the movie's about (besides giant radioactive dinosaurs and stomping, that is).

 

SHOT 1

The trailer opens on a group of very serious-looking soldiers about to perform a HALO jump (that is, a high-altitude, low-opening jump; a very dangerous type of parachute drop used for stealthy insertions) for reasons that are not made clear. It is to be hoped that one of them will not misjudge the landing and accidentally perform a stealthy insertion on Godzilla himself.

 

SHOT 2

One thing we can be sure of already is that this movie's going to look beautiful. Well, maybe "beautiful" is the wrong word to describe a film that's sure to have a death toll in the millions, but you know what we mean.

 

SHOT 3

Hurmm. Remember what we said about HALO jumps being good for stealth? Not really sure why, then, these guys all have smoke-spewing flares strapped to their legs. Maybe the government's plan is to sky-write a message, politely requesting Godzilla wipe his feet before stepping all over their national landmarks?

 

SHOT 4

This really does look stunning. We wonder what's going to be under that mass of smoke and clouds..?

 

SHOT 5

BOOM. Half-destroyed city! This trailer has already far surpassed the 1998 movie. Unless it turns out that one of the soldiers is wearing a knitted beret under his helmet, in which case, ugh.

 

SHOT 6

Our first glimpse of the monster! Kind of. Where did they shoot this thing, San Francisco?

 

SHOT 7

Godzilla attacks a train! If these guys are anything like us, the possibility of giant, radioactive, stomping death will probably come as a blessed relief, at least compared to yet another 45-minute commute sitting next to that guy who smells like rubbing alcohol and cabbage-farts.

 

SHOT 8

It's...it's a shot of someone having a cuddle. Huh. This trailer went downhill pretty quick. On the plus side, at least there's no sign of Godzooky yet.

 

SHOT 9

Okay, a green-tinged, underground military laboratory, things are looking up. But where are the explosi -

 

SHOT 10

YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

 

SHOT 11

Er - guys, is that a nuclear weapon? Isn't that what started all this trouble in the first place..?

 

SHOT 12

Talking of nuclear weapons, it's weapons-grade meth-cooker Walter White. Bryan Cranston plays a character called Joe Brody, who apparently enjoys sports jackets and weeping in public. Just like our editor-in-chief!

 

SHOT 13

Well, shit. Remember that high death toll we mentioned? It looks like 2014's Godzilla isn't going to pull any punches. At least until King Kong shows up, anyway.

 

SHOT 14

Look, on the plus side, now you've got room in your apartment to get that longer couch you wanted. Sure, one end will be breezy and a little precarious, but that's just the price you pay for city living, right?

 

SHOT 15

We close out on this shot of Godzilla doing his eerie, elephant-like screeching. So what have we learned from this trailer? Three things: Firstly, that this is taking the subject matter seriously, which of course is the only reasonable approach to a movie about angry nuclear lizards. Secondly, it will have some of the most attractive footage of entire communities being squelched underfoot we've ever seen. Thirdly, and most importantly, we learned that if you drape Godzilla in enough smoke, he looks like he's opening for Whitesnake at a 1980s arena show. "HELLLLOOOOOO TOKYYYYYYOOOOOOOOO!!!"

 

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