This won't be easy for Mom and Dad, so please follow these five simple steps.
Today is a difficult day for members of all generations. Millennials are reeling from Justin Bieber's drunken driving arrest. Sullen Gen-Xers still can't comprehend how Inside Llewyn Davis was snubbed by the Academy. And, perhaps most sadly, Baby Boomers are beside themselves at the news that '70s soft-rock husband-and-wife duo Captain & Tennille are divorcing after 39 years of marriage. But not to worry; we're here with a fool-proof plan to keep your parents from shedding too many tears into their Activia. Listen up.
Step One: Familiarize yourself with Captain & Tennille.
We recommend studying their Wikipedia page and then watching the video for their biggest hit, the now ironically titled "Love Will Keep Us Together."
Step Two: Call your parents.
They're home right now, right? Maybe watching The Price is Right while complaining about Obamacare?
Step Three: Tell them some good news first.
Got a new job? A new girlfriend? Did you make it to the bodega to pick up your morning six-pack without slipping in the snow? They'd love to hear all about it!
Step Four: Drop the bomb on them.
Go slowly. Tell them that things don't always work out the way we want, and that, sometimes, even the love between a woman with a bad hairdo and a man who has been wearing a captain's hat for the last four decades doesn't last.
Step Five: Let the healing begin.
Tell them you're going to visit them this weekend.*
*You don't actually have to do this.