A 100-Year-old Tortoise Named Diego Had So Much Sex, He Saved His Entire Species

Bow down to the “F*ck Tortoise” who’s getting laid way more than you are.

If you think your sex game is strong, we’re sorry to say, but this 100-year old tortoise will put you all to shame, because his sex game is in a different dimension. That’s right—there’s a goddamn reptile in this big bad world that’s getting laid way more often than you are.

Both a sex master and an evolutionary hero, Diego the Galapagos giant tortoise somehow managed to father 800 little tortoise babies, which is about 40 percent of his entire species. And not only did Diego break some sort of underground turtle-sex record, but he also singlehandedly saved his species from extinction. Seriously.

Back in 1976, there were only 2 males and 12 females left of Diego’s species, so he was sent off to the Galapagos to mate and have glacial-speed sex with a lady tortoise to help keep the population from biting the dust.

And that he did. Diego went up to one of the females, and he tapped that ass. Then he went up to another female, and he tapped that ass too. Then the next one, and the next. The horny bastard got around to all the females until he had 800 turtle babies. 800!! So. Many. Babies.

So yeah, that’s the story, nay, legend, of Diego the horny hero. He was put on this earth to have so much sex that it saved an entire species from extinction. The end.