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14 Women Who Will Eat Tim Tebow Alive

We know he can score under pressure on the field but how Tim Tebow plays his game in the sack is yet to be determined. One thing is for sure: Tebow doesn’t like losing, not when it comes to the field and not when it comes to his virginity. But after his Hail Mary pass to stardom, we want to protect God’s lil’ helper from the beautiful women who will steal his virginity and make him beg for it back. These are the aggressive women that Tim should avoid. Consider yourself warned.

 

Rihanna

•Why her? Everything about Rihanna screams, “Scary, Unbelievable Life-Altering Sex.”
Her finishing move: It’s a controversial position called “The Impossible Mountain.” It’s illegal to talk about here in America, but it involves three chains, a fur glove, and a detuned harp.

 

Lady Gaga

•Why her? Judging by her videos and stage performance, and this fever dream we keep having, Gaga is a 28-foot tall sex witch trapped in the body of a 5’4’’ sex witch.
•Her finishing move: After deflowering the all-star while wearing nothing but a smile…and a 40 lbs. sexy walrus costume made of sapphires, she would cover him in cosmic ants while bragging about the conquest to a whiny Madonna.

 

Christina Aguilera

•Why her? Chrissie’s had a rough year, and while she seems to get her act together for The Voice, chances are that taming this pent-up Bronco will put her back on track for years to come.
•Her finishing move: She’d seduce Tim with the classy pickup line, “Wanna?” and end things with the classy line, “Thanks, Steve.”

 

Perez Hilton

•Why him? This scrappy wolverine of the gay community would stop at nothing to brag to his readers, “I Sacked Tebow.” (Though his headline would be snarkier and smell like Skittles.)
•His finishing move: After live-blogging the event he would kick Tebow to the door after writing “Been There” on his forehead and “There too” on his pants. He’s so witty!

 

Nicki Minaj

•Why her? The truth is we’re not sure about Nicki’s sexual appetite, but her dizzying costumes and rhymes lead us to believe she brings a certain “Ewww…I love that” to the bedroom.
•Her finishing move: During the moment of climax, she lays her demon eggs in Tebow’s bellybutton for him to raise.

 

Zoe Saldana

•Why her? She has the body of a ballerina and the strength of a very strong ballerina who fights crime.
•Her finishing move: Eighteen kicks to the pelvis…but in a sexy way.

 

JWoww

•Why her? She’s as sexy as she is aggressive, like a video game character or a puma in a bra.
•Her finishing move: The well-tanned temptress has already admitted that she bites the heads off her lovers, and since we have no concept of metaphors, we take her words literally.

 

Bridget Moynahan

•Why her? Sleeping with Tebow will mess with former lover’s Tom Brady’s head, resulting in a fun game to watch this weekend.
•Her finishing move: She’ll try to ease Tim’s nerves by asking dumb questions such as, “What’s a touchdown? “How many points is a tackle worth?” and “Are helmets heavy?” Once Tebow is relaxed, she’ll make him wear Brady’s jersey and the Brady wig she made out of horse hair and glue.

 

Evan Rachel Wood

•Why her? She dated Marilyn Manson (if you don’t who that is, ask your father). Also, she has a boy name. That means she’s sexy, just like Bjork…which we assume is a boy name too.
•Her finishing move: A 17 hour, slow, sexy stare that leaves everyone uncomfortable and possibly pregnant depending on the depth of her stare.

 

Ne Ne Leaks

•Why her? The soft-spoken Leaks would be a kind, gentle lover. And no, we’re not just writing that because she’s biting our leg and forcing us.
•Her finishing move: Warm tender kisses and a loving hug. (Does anyone know how to get teeth mark off a leg bone?)

 

Kim Kardashian

•Why her? She’s well versed in the art of love. See how we said that without smirking? Not easy.
•Her finishing move: Stopping mid-coitus to check her makeup, write a Tweet, and fly to Dubai to promote a new type of designer extension cord.

 

Lil Kim

•Why her? She haunts our minds and our groins.
•Her finishing move: Hard to explain, but it involves a spring-loaded boxing glove.

 

Melissa McCarthy as Megan in Bridesmaids

•Why her? Say no, and there will violence. Say yes, and there will be violence.
•Her finishing move: Screaming, “Crying won’t make the bruises fade, Churchy Boy!”


Taylor Swift

•Why her? Despite her appearance, personality, songs and charming demeanor, there’s still a 0.06% chance she’s a sexual warrior. (Fingers crossed, toes crossed and teeth crossed.)
•Her finishing move: “Kali ma!” And then Tebow’s heart would be removed while his young Asian manservant shouts “Timmy, covah ya hart!!!” But it’ll be too late.