College Football Rivalries–Settled

Think the NCAA’s classic rivalries are dead? Think again. When these schools go to war, there’s much more at play than gridiron skill. Here we declare each battle’s winner based on history, hot chicks, and whatever the hell else we want.

STANFORD AT CAL
November 20 // Series record: 55-46-11, Stanford
“The Big Game” kicked off in 1892, with future prez Herbert Hoover acting as Stanford’s manager. His Cardinal beat Cal’s Golden Bears 14-10.

School Motto
Cal: “Let there be light.” For their bongs, they mean, right?
Stanford: “The wind of freedom blows”…for privileged white kids.
Edge: Cal

Community With More to Lose
Cal: San Franciscans are so busy eating locally grown soybeans while driving Priuses to their next anti-cat-declawing rally, they probably won’t even notice if Cal loses.
Stanford: Let’s see, Silicon Valley went bust in the late ’90s, as did former student Tiger Woods a decade later. Football and good weather may be all they’ve got left.
Edge: Cal

Fan Talents
Cal: Ingenuity. Berkeley students are credited with inventing the “card stunt,” whereby fans coordinate to create words or images by holding up giant cards at games. You’re welcome, Yalies.
Stanford: Intellectual snobbery. Quoth one recent alum (who refuses to be named because his boss graduated from Berkeley): “Generally speaking, they have the bigger grudge, because if any of them had gotten into Stanford, they wouldn’t have gone to Cal.” Holy No-Cal smackdown!
Edge: Stanford

Stadium Scare Factor
Cal: Memorial Stadium rests directly on top of the Hayward Fault, which makes it an “appreciable life hazard,” according to a recent seismic safety study.
Stanford: The band’s scathing halftime shows have crushed more visitors than the Cardinal’s D, with formations like the Hearst Burger, named after Cal student Patty Hearst’s kidnapping in 1974: It took the shape of two buns and no patty.
Edge: Stanford

Lamest For-Credit Class
Cal: Children’s Literature. If you get high and read James and the Giant Peach backward, universal truths are revealed, brah.
Stanford: Introduction to Guzheng. Students learn how to play the guzheng, a 21-string traditional Chinese instrument. Course “may be repeated for credit a total of 14 times.” At which point you’d better be the fucking Jimi Hendrix of China.
Edge: Cal

WINNER: Cal

TEXAS A&M AT TEXAS
November 25 // Series record: 75-36-5, Texas
When these local rivals meet, it’s like a steaming pot of chili did a shot of tequila and then vomited itself all over a 10-gallon hat. Yee-haw!

Stadium Scare Factor
A&M: Fans at Kyle Field stand for the entire game—even when they’re drunk!
Texas: Darrell K. Royal is the largest stadium by seating capacity in the Lone Star State. Suck on that, Jerry Jones.
Edge: A&M

Creepiest Tradition
A&M: When mascot Reveille, a collie, dies, the school holds a military funeral and buries her in the field.
Texas: Holds a séance-y “hex rally” before A&M game.
Edge: Texas

Fight Song Face-Off
A&M: “Aggie War Hymn.” “Saw varsity’s horns off¿/¿Saw varsity’s horns off¿/¿Saw varsity’s horns off.” Like that “Redrum” kid, but with school spirit!
Texas: “The Eyes of Texas.” “The eyes of Texas are upon you¿/¿You cannot get away.” We’re officially having nightmares.
Edge: Texas

Hometown Pride
A&M: College Station was declared “the most educated city in Texas” in 2006.
Texas: Austin is known as the Live Music Capital of the World. Guitar solo! 
Edge: Texas

Spotted on the Sidelines
A&M: George H.¿W. Bush, whose presidential library is on campus grounds.
Texas: Liar Roger Clemens, shirtist Matthew McConaughey.
Edge: Texas

WINNER: Texas

YALE AT HARVARD
November 20 // Series record: 65-53-8, Yale
Sure,“the Game” has no football relevance, but the fact that it brings together this many eggheads at one time each year has to count for something, right?

Prank Wars
Yale: In 2004 students dressed as the Harvard pep squad passed out cards to Crimson fans that, raised, read: we suck.
Harvard: In 1933 members of Harvard’s Lampoon humor mag kidnapped Yale’s mascot bulldog.
Edge: Yale

Powerful Dropouts
Yale: Dick Cheney. Will shoot up your face.
Harvard: Mark Zuckerberg. Can erase you from the social universe.
Edge: Harvard

Legitimate Connection to the Game of Football
Yale: Late-19th century alum and coach Walter Camp is credited with introducing many features of the modern game, including the system of downs.
Harvard: Built the first-ever concrete stadium in 1903. Three years later a proposal to widen the field was shot down because the stadium could not be easily renovated…leading to the adoption of the forward pass.
Edge: Harvard

Sexiest Theater Geek
Yale: Meryl Streep
Harvard: Natalie Portman
Edge: Yale (What—have you not seen It’s Complicated? )

Proposed Uniform Additions
Yale: Ascot
Harvard: Cravat
Edge: Draw

WINNER: Who cares?

TEXAS A&M AT TEXAS
November 25 // Series record: 75-36-5, Texas
When these local rivals meet, it’s like a steaming pot of chili did a shot of tequila and then vomited itself all over a 10-gallon hat. Yee-haw!

Stadium Scare Factor
A&M: Fans at Kyle Field stand for the entire game—even when they’re drunk!
Texas: Darrell K. Royal is the largest stadium by seating capacity in the Lone Star State. Suck on that, Jerry Jones.
Edge: A&M

Creepiest Tradition
A&M: When mascot Reveille, a collie, dies, the school holds a military funeral and buries her in the field.
Texas: Holds a séance-y “hex rally” before A&M game.
Edge: Texas

Fight Song Face-Off
A&M: “Aggie War Hymn.” “Saw varsity’s horns off¿/¿Saw varsity’s horns off¿/¿Saw varsity’s horns off.” Like that “Redrum” kid, but with school spirit!
Texas: “The Eyes of Texas.” “The eyes of Texas are upon you¿/¿You cannot get away.” We’re officially having nightmares.
Edge: Texas

Hometown Pride
A&M: College Station was declared “the most educated city in Texas” in 2006.
Texas: Austin is known as the Live Music Capital of the World. Guitar solo! 
Edge: Texas

Spotted on the Sidelines
A&M: George H.¿W. Bush, whose presidential library is on campus grounds.
Texas: Liar Roger Clemens, shirtist Matthew McConaughey.
Edge: Texas

AUBURN AT ALABAMA
November 26 // Series record: 40-33-1, Alabama
This intrastate rivalry, which kicked off in 1893 and was later dubbed the Iron Bowl, is the most bitter in all of college football. Period.

Bitchiest Dispute
Auburn: In 1906 the Tigers’ coach threatened to cancel the series if ’Bama continued to use elaborate structures and shifts. Um…
Alabama: A year later Auburn asked to up player per diems for both teams to $3.50. Alabama said no, causing a 41-year standoff.
Edge: Auburn

Famous Students
Auburn: Bo Jackson, Charles Barkley
Alabama: Bernie Madoff, Forrest Gump
Edge: Alabama

Mascot in Nature
Auburn: Aubie the
Tiger. This cat is an “obligate carnivore,” meaning its diet is 70 percent meat, 30 percent Siegfried & Roy.
Alabama: Big Al the Elephant. Has no natural predator yet is a wussy vegetarian. 
Edge: Auburn

Best Player Name
Auburn: Quindarius Carr (WR)
Alabama: Dont’a Hightower (LB)
Edge: Alabama

Lecherous Item on School Home Page
Auburn: Image of Taylor Swift during a “surprise concert” at which two students competed to hug her.
Alabama: School slogan: “Touching Lives.”
Edge: Alabama

FLORIDA AT FLORIDA STATE
November 27 // Series record: 33-19-2, Florida
Florida has dominated over the past five years, but fans of these teams still beat the daylights out of each other in the yearly Sunshine Showdown.

Hottest Alum
Florida: ESPN reporter Erin Andrews
FSU: Spike TV host Courtney Hansen
Edge: Florida

Local Drink
Florida: The Gator Bite: A 50-50 shot of O.J. and vodka followed by a 50-50 shot of blue curaçao and vodka followed
by a big shot of shame.
FSU: Tallahassee mag touts the Calimocho: red wine and Coke.
Edge: Florida

Lady-fan Passion
Florida: In 2008, with her Gators kicking Georgia’s ass, Veronica Hairston began taunting her husband, a UGA fan. When he tried to walk away, she bit his
thigh.
FSU: Buxom fans not interested in cheering can be Cowgirls, the ’Noles’ unofficial boner—um, pep squad.
Edge: FSU

Contribution to Society
Florida: University researchers invented Gatorade in 1965.
FSU: Six faculty members have earned Nobels.
Edge: Florida

Shockingest Scandal
Florida: Shady fund-raising schemes—for example, boosters were asked to cough up 25K for souvenirs like Tim Tebow’s toenail clippings—
triggered a federal investigation in ’07.
FSU: The NCAA placed the school on probtion after Seminole jocks, including footballers, cheated in an online music history class. Why not just go to the
University of Phoenix?
Edge: Florida

WINNER: Florida

MICHIGAN AT OHIO STATE
November 27 // Series record: 57-43-6, Michigan
Thanks to UM’s recent slide into the gridiron dumps, this rivalry has lost some luster—unless you’ve ever lived anywhere near Michigan or Ohio.

Community With More to Lose
Michigan: Six straight losses to Ohio State and back-to-back sub-.500 seasons? Break out the Zoloft!
OSU: “I’ve decided to take my talents to South Beach.”
Edge: Michigan

Fan Rap Lyric
Michigan: From “Welcome to the Big House”: “Rich Rod is just the next Bo Schembechler.”
OSU: From “There’s Only One O,” a rebuttal to an Oregon Ducks fan rap: “We addicted to winnin’, y’all addicted to quack.”
Edge: OSU

Mascot Tragedy
Michigan: March 2010: The state’s lone wolverine found dead.
OSU: Fall 2009: Thousands of buckeyes fall to unceremonious deaths.
Edge: Michigan

Yankee Guest Star
Michigan: Derek Jeter has been known to stalk the sidelines, wearing awesome Cosby sweaters.
OSU: George Steinbrenner was an assistant under Woody Hayes in 1954.
Edge: OSU

Worst Coaching Decision
Michigan: Whichever one Rich Rodriguez made last.
OSU: In the infamous 1950 “Snow Bowl”—with a conference title and national championship bid on the line—coach Wes Fesler opted to punt on the third down with 20 seconds left. Michigan recovered
in the snow-covered end zone for a TD to win.
Edge: Michigan

WINNER: Michigan

GEORGIA TECH AT GEORGIA
November 27 // Series record: 60-39-5, Georgia
This rivalry’s nickname, though idiotic-sounding and awkward to use as a noun, says it all: Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate.

Party in the State of GA
UGA: The number one “party school” according to known fun experts The Princeton Review.
Tech: Tech kids ditch campus jams to head into the heart of Hotlanta and down sizzurp with Lil Jon.
Edge: Georgia

Hidden Talents
UGA: Wide receiver A.¿J. Green was a competitive juggler.
Tech: Assistant coach Joe Speed was a captain in the Marine Corps.
Edge: Tech

Recent Scandal
UGA: In July the athletic director was arrested for DUI with a young female passenger who was not his wife.
Tech: A 2005 NCAA investigation revealed that 11 academically ineligible players had manned the field for the Yellowjackets.
Edge: Georgia

Distinguished Alumni
UGA: Newman
Tech: Jeff Foxworthy
Edge: Georgia

Rowdiest Fans
UGA: In 1893 sore-loser Georgia supporters hurled rocks at Tech players and then chased them back to their train home.
Tech: In 1978 the sore-loser Tech crowd hurled liquor bottles, batteries, and dead fish at the Notre Dame sidelines. Ha, remember when Notre Dame was good?
Edge: Georgia

WINNER: Georgia

ARMY VS. NAVY
(at Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, PA) December 11 // Series record: 54-49-7, Navy
When not making the world safe for democracy, our soldiers and sailors are busy trying to give each other a good ol’ American ass-whupping. U-S-A!

Gridiron to Battlefield Hero
Army: Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower started as a running back and a linebacker in 1912.
Navy: Adm. Jonas Howard Ingram scored the lone TD in the 1906 game, Navy’s first victory over Army in six meetings. He later commanded the Atlantic fleet in WWII.
Edge: Army

The World Owes Us One
Army: Battle of the Bulge
Navy: Battle of Midway
Edge: Army

Use of Taxpayer Dollars
Army soldiers: Disturbingly choreographed video remake of Lady Gaga and Beyoncé’s “Telephone.”
Navy pilots: Disturbingly choreographed video remake of Black-Eyed Peas’ “Pump It.”
Edge: Army

Branch Perk
Army: Not being stuck on a boat for months at a time.
Navy: Fleet Week!
Edge: Army

Best Film Representation
Army: Stripes. “Lighten up, Francis.”
Navy: Top Gun. Made coughing while saying “bullshit” a national comeback.
Edge: Army

Blasts From the Past 
NFL players call out their college rivals.

Jacob Hester
FB, San Diego Chargers
LSU, 2004–07
“Florida was always our biggest game. After we beat them my senior year, I saw a bad situation—a couple of their fans were in the Porta-Potties, and our fans were rocking them back and forth. Who knows what they were getting on them.”

James Laurinaitis
LB, St. Louis Rams
Ohio State, 2005–08
“The Michigan thing is more than just the game. You have a constant reminder of it all year. In the locker room we have a countdown clock to the game and a whole wall just for the Michigan rivalry—what it’s about, the history of it.”

Calais Campbell
DE, Arizona Cardinals
University of Miami, 2004–07
“My first year playing Florida State, it went down to the last play, and when we won, the whole campus went crazy—wild parties, people applauding wherever you went. The Super Bowl was unbelievable, but beating Florida State comes close.”

Shawne Merriman
LB, San Diego Chargers
University of Maryland, 2002–04
“These rivalries never go away. I’m in
the locker room with Philip Rivers, who played for NC State while I was at Maryland. He never beat us, and I never let him live it down. He can’t say anything, because they lost every year!”

Willie McGinest
Free agent LB
USC, 1990–93
“UCLA was our biggest conference rival, and it was kind of the battle of L.A. They were on the west side, we were on the east side. I had a lot of buddies
who went there, but when we put those pads on, it became hate, because that was war.”

Tashard Choice
RB, Dallas Cowboys
Georgia Tech, 2005–07
“Georgia and Georgia Tech fans really do hate each other. From the field you could see people fighting, crying…It’s all-out. We were 0–3 against them, with two heartbreaking losses. But to hell with Georgia. That’s what we say.”