Monday Morning Sports Rant February 22
Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
me: ¿ Good Morning!¿
Drew: ¿ Hey diddly ho.¿
All Melo, all the time
me: ¿ I know – we think it’s over, but it’s just beginning¿
Drew: ¿ How so¿?
me: ¿ Well, the drama over his contract is over¿. Now he has to put up and living in New York, it’s gonna be back-page news all season
Drew: ¿ True. And Isiah will be rehired to coach them all! WON’T THAT BE FUN?!¿
me: ¿ OH GOD NO¿
He’s like a zombie that you just can’t kill
Drew: ¿ The Knicks are basically the basketball Redskins¿
They make a nice move like this, but they’ve gutted their roster completely and it’s like… you know it’ll be fun for a while, but then the discord will set in.
Somehow, they find a way to fuck these things up
me: ¿ does that make the Mets the baseball version?¿
Drew: ¿ Yup¿
By the way, I know very little about the NBA, but I disagreed with Bill Simmons saying the Nets were a lousy landing spot for Carmelo.
Once that team moves to Brooklyn, it will become the coolest team in sports
Watch. 50 times cooler than the Knicks
Bon Iver will sit in the front row and everything
Scalpers will wear scarves and ironic t-shirts¿
me: ¿ What are the chances that in five years the Nets will be cooler than the Knicks and the Clippers will be cooler than the Lakers?¿
Drew: ¿ The Onion AV Club will hang out in the press box. The Brooklyn Nets will be a showstopper¿
The Nets will be cooler than the Knicks, but the Clips will never be cooler than the Lakers
Once Kobe runs out of gas, they’ll find someone new to draw in and keep it rolling
They’ll never want for players
me: ¿ Speaking of the Clippers, I thought Blake’s dunk contest performance was pretty underwhelming¿
Drew: ¿ I agree.
Everyone I know said the same thing: Dunk over the WHOLE car. Not just the hood.
Anyone can dunk over the hood.
I can totally dunk over the hood.
me: ¿ me too¿
Drew: ¿ The thing about the dunk contest is… every dunk has been done¿
The only way to make it seem different is by adding props
Three balls. A car.
Blah blah blah. But none of those things are all that interesting. It becomes a stupid novelty act.
me: ¿ what they should add is Timofey Mosgov¿
he’s a killer prop
Drew: ¿ I still say they should just stage a one-on-one tournament.¿
16 best players in the league.¿
me: ¿ ah¿
Drew: ¿ That I would watch¿
me: ¿ But judging by his performance at the end of the all-star game, is there any doubt that King James would reign supreme?¿
He was a monster out there
In a game that doesn’t count, of course
Drew: ¿ It’s like Peyton Manning winning six Pro Bowl MVP titles in a row¿
me: ¿ who would be your top five seeds?¿
Drew: ¿ Oof¿
LeBron
Kobe
Durant
Wade
me: ¿ yup¿
Drew: ¿ Chris Paul?¿
me: ¿ I don’t know if a point guard would thrive in that format¿
Drew: ¿ Really? I think a point guard would rule¿
Speed would reign supreme.
me: ¿ With no one to pass to?¿
Drew: ¿ Wouldn’t John Wall run right around Dwight Howard?¿
me: ¿ true¿
Drew: ¿ See?¿
me: ¿ What about Derrick Rose?¿
Drew: ¿ This is why they need to do it¿
ROSE! YES!
I need this kind of thing settled
Would Rose beat Howard, or would Howard just smack him down to shit?
me: ¿ It’s an interesting question¿
That’s why I think Lebron would crush everyone
It was amazing seeing him next to Howard and Amare
Because they’re all about the same size¿
Drew: ¿ Agreed
He’s like a flying tank
me: ¿ I don’t suppose you watched the Daytona 500?¿
It’s the only time I tune in to Nascar, but it was pretty cool
Drew: ¿ Nope!¿
I heard a rookie won
me: ¿ yeah, he turned 20 the day before¿
Drew: ¿ And I heard there was a crash!¿
CRASHES!
me: ¿ SO MANY CRASHES¿
Drew: ¿ They need to make the track a figure 8¿
I went to figure eight races when I was a kid. It was T-bone heaven
me: ¿ watching Nascar is like watching the last 30 seconds of a basketball game¿
There are so many cautions that the last 10 laps take like an hour
Even though they’re theoretically going 190 mph
It doesn’t compute
I’m still baffled that Brad Daugherty is one of ESPN’s Nascar analysts
Drew: ¿ I don’t think even Brad knows why he’s there¿
I’m very excited for twenty years from now when Brook Lopez is a Formula One sideline reporter
me: ¿ Which Lopez looks like Sideshow Bob?¿
It’s Robin
Drew: ¿ Him and Anderson Varejao¿
I call that “The Gladwell”
me: ¿ Or “The Duritz”¿
Drew: ¿ The Duritz is a little filthier¿
Needs to have ticks and sticks in it
And women have to like it for reasons unknown to man
me: exactly
Drew: ¿ And you have to put it in a vertical ponytail¿
Vertical ponytails are so hot.
me: ¿ so hot¿
Drew: ¿ IT’s like a geyser of hair¿
me: ¿ it is, however, a wig¿
Drew: ¿ Fuck off.¿
It is?
me: ¿ I have it on good authority¿
Drew: ¿ REALLY¿
That little shit
me: ¿ yup¿
Drew: ¿ round here… we always use toupees…¿
me: ¿ It’s like one of those stupid jester hats that snowboarders wear¿
except hairier
Drew: ¿ Someone should toss that wig on Sam Donaldson¿
me: ¿ So do you actually think the Knicks made a mistake, or just that Carmelo would’ve been better off with the Nets?¿
Drew: ¿ No, I don’t think the Knicks made a mistake¿
They’re the Knicks. They need a star. And they got one.
me: ¿ Agreed.¿
And they didn’t give up any stars
Drew: ¿ They can always sign a bunch of dipshit role players.¿
They have no shot this year
And maybe they’ll never be able to top Miami.
But they had to be relevant again. This makes them relevant. It’s been a long time
me: ¿ it has¿
Drew: ¿ And they need Jim Dolan to fall down a fucking well.¿
me: ¿ It’s so true¿
Worst owner in sports?
Drew: ¿ Jim Dolan should send Donald Sterling flowers every year¿
Because Sterling is the worst
me: ¿ It’s like Sterling doesn’t try though¿
whereas Dolan tries, and fails
Drew: ¿ Yup¿
And plays bad music in between
me: ¿ Do you think he uses the Garden as his garage?¿
to jam with his buddies?
That would be pretty sweet
Drew: ¿ Ha!¿
I would totally do that
Get stoned, walk in at 4AM
“Time for Wind Cries Mary, boys”
me: ¿ Man, I hate that dude, but I sure wouldn’t mind his toys.¿
Drew: ¿ Nor I.
me: ¿ Alright, I gotta jet¿
Drew: ¿ Adios¿