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Five Things We Learned From NFL Week 5

1 – Everybody Seems To Have Forgotten That The Old Refs Were Just As Capable Of Ruining Games As The Replacements
In Sunday night’s nationally televised matchup between the Saints and Chargers, the recently returned NFL refs proved they were just as good at screwing up games/entire seasons. Driving late and down by a score, the Chargers were penalized on successive big plays with a loony offensive passinterference call and a holding penalty that could or could not be whistled on any down of football. On the next play, a five yard defensive holding makeup whistle earned the chargers a first down, but didn’t redeem the 50 yards the refs managed to steal. The Saints went on to earn their first win of the season on the night Drew Brees broke Johnny Unitas’ consecutive touchdown record. What a coincidence!
 


Photo: Greg M. Cooper / US Presswire | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

2 – Peyton Manning’s New Hydraulic Neck Still Can’t Beat Tom Brady
Everyone’s favorite handsome quarterback with a receding hairline and gigantic forehead (We’re not jealous! You’re jealous! Shut up!), Tom Brady, defeated Peyton Manning for the ninth time. Brady’s current record against the older Manning stands at 9-4, and that’s now across two teams and two spinal cords. Younger, doofier brother Eli remains the one Manning capable of putting that pretty boy in his place (which, let’s admit, is probably a castle filled with beautiful tapestries and sundry goblets).

3 – Some Chiefs Fans Are Kinda Dicks
Kansas City lineman Eric Winston eloquently summed up the gross reaction Chiefs fans appeared to have when QB Matt Cassel was knocked out of an ugly game against the Baltimore Ravens. It sounded like fans were cheering that the obviously concussed quarterback would have to leave the game. Former offensive lineman Rich Baldinger disagreed, however. He and others have argued that the fans were cheering for Cassel as he got up off the turf and went into the locker room. The truth, as always, probably lies in the creamy, delicious middle. Were some fans cheering that their awful QB (really, Cassel is terrible) was knocked out of the game? Probably. Were others celebrating that Cassel wasn’t bleeding spinal fluid out of his ear? Likely.

4 – The Jets Almost Made A Game Of It But Then Were Like “LOL We’re The Jets”
As a slight roadblock to the Houston Texans’ currently perfect record (5-0), the Jets almost pulled a victory out of Rex Ryan’s now svelte butt cheeks. Of course, they didn’t, because they are the Jets. And who gave the game away? Mark Sanchez! His second interception of the night came on a potentially game winning drive in the final minutes of the fourth quarter. Sports journalist slobber receptacle Tim Tebow threw one pass in the game. It was incomplete. But we might see him starting sooner rather than later.

5 – Robert Griffin III’s Slow Transformation Into Michael Vick (Minus The Dog Fighting) Begins
You could almost hear every Redskin fan in the universe scream “Slide! Oh, why won’t you slide you beautiful man!” as RGIII took a brutal hit to the head on a scramble out of the pocket against the Atlanta Falcons. While he was taken out of the game, it looks like the Redskin QB will be cleared to play next week and isn’t showing any lasting effects from the noggin’ knockin’. Of course, if he continues this level of reckless play, we can’t imagine he’s going to complete many 16-game seasons.

Check out what we learned from NFL Week 4 here.
Or skip the football and go straight to the girls.