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If 10 NFL Players Were Fast Food Menu Items

With the 2013 season underway, let’s find out who’s the reliable Big Mac, and who’s the Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza…

Carson Palmer = Subway $5 Footlong


Photo (L): Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Pretty cheap and won’t outright disgust you. But a deep and abiding inner sadness will fill your soul, as mediocrity beats into your gut week after week.

 

 

Colin Kaepernick = Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco


Photo (L): Thearon W. Henderson / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

A dual threat that came out of nowhere in 2012 to save a franchise.

 

 

Russell Wilson = In-N-Out Double Double


Photo (L): Otto Greule Jr / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

So, so good, only available on the West Coast, and nobody East of Las Vegas knows what it is.

 

 

Chris Johnson  = McDonalds’ McRib


Photo (L): Frederick Breedon / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Appears when you least expect leading to outsized expectations and inevitable crushing disappointment.

 

 

Tim Tebow = Pizza Hut’s Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza


Photo (L): Jared Wickerham / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Not really good at anything, discontinued in the United States, and would be a big hit in certain parts of the Middle East. 

 

 

Felix Jones = White Castle Original Slider


Photo (L): Drew Hallowell / Philadelphia Eagles / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Great, but you’re going to need about 50 of them before you’re finished.

 

 

Eli Manning = Dunkin’ Donuts' Egg White Veggie Wake-Up Wrap


Photo (L): Jim McIsaac / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Good for you but not really good for you, and pretty boring, plus when you’re done you won’t feel bad, but you won’t feel great, either.

 

 

Aaron Hernandez = White Castle Crave Case


Photo (L): Jared Wickerham / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Both leave you locked in a tiny room, shitting yourself.

 

 

Adrian Peterson = McDonald’s Big Mac


Photo (L): Tom Dahlin / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Consistently the most popular, and with good reason.

 

 

Tony Romo = Panda Express Entrée Meal


Photo (L): Ronald Martinez / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Unbelievably expensive for something that will make you sick and/or choke.

 

 

Liked that? Then try NFL Players As Game Of Thrones Characters, or check out What We Learned From The 2013 NFL Week 1