If we fix all these problems, the world will be one big joy orgasm.
Photo: Eric Leibowitz / FX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Comedy god Louis C.K. is as honest as he is funny. From his stand-up to his amazing FX show Louie (the second season is now out on Blu-ray and DVD!) to his Twitter feed, you can tell he has a few problems with the world. Here are 100 things that Louis C.K. just doesn’t like. Though, we could have easily made this a thousand things if the Internet weren’t so small and stupid.
4. His car “My life is really evil. There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That’s all they ever did. There’s people who are like born, and they go, “Oh, I’m hungry,” and then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I’m in my car, having a great time and I sleep like a baby.”
22. Old dogs ”Everything that makes you happy is going to end at some point, and nothing good ends well. It’s like, if you buy a puppy, you’re bringing it home to your family’s saying, hey, look, everyone, we’re all gonna cry soon. Look at what I brought home. I brought home us crying in a few years. Here we go. Countdown to sorrow with a puppy.”
40. Smoking pot with fans “Sometimes young people will come up to me after and show and ask to smoke pot, and I just want to say, ‘Can I have my portion to take home with me and smoke it alone? Because I don’t want to spend one second with you.’”
43. Eating “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”
44. People who are bored “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.”
45. Complaining about gay marriage “Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, ‘How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?’ I don’t know. It’s your shitty kid. You fuckin’ tell him. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love and can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for five minutes.”
46. Americans “People in other countries have real problems. Like, ‘Oh shit! They’re cutting off all our heads today.’ Here we make up problems, like ‘Why do I have to choose a language on the ATM machine?’”
47. White People Statistics “You could take a white guy to Africa and he’d say, ‘Look at all the minorities around here. I’m the only majority.’”
48. Women “There’s a reason it’s called Girls Gone Wild and not Women Gone Wild. When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.”
49. Mornings “Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, ‘Ugh’.”
50. Getting stoned as a 40 year-old
51. Men’s Minds “If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. That’s how our brains work. ‘She’s an angel… and I want her to drown in my cum.’”
52. Taking his kids to the bathroom “So I gotta take them into the men’s room, that’s what I have to do, is take them into the John F. Kennedy Airport men’s room. Look here, girls! Nine penises! Nine penises that are all peeing at the same time. Nine farting men from all over the world, with their dicks out, shaking off droplets of pee from their syphilitic penises. Look, three of them have foreskins. You can see the difference now.
53. Sex ed “They taught us sex in school, and all they did was scare the shit out of me because they show you these diagrams of a penis, just this huge penis and it’s cut in half lengthwise. Like, yeah, that’s what your dick would look like if I ripped off half of it and threw it in the garbage.”
54. The PTA
55. Parenting roles “A waitress said to my kids the other day, ‘Isn't that nice that you're getting to have a little lunch with your daddy?’ And I was insulted by it, because I'm like, I'm fucking taking them to lunch, and then I'm taking them home, and then I'm feeding them and doing their homework with them and putting them to bed. She's like, ‘Oh, this is special time with daddy.’ Well, no, this is boring time with daddy, the same as everything.” From Slate.
56. The economy “When I read things like ‘the foundations of capitalism are shattering,’ I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Because everything is amazing right now and nobody's happy...”
57. Travel
58. Lines
59. Conventional Hollywood (Louis writes, directs and edits his own show, and released his album and special via his own Website.)
60. His past movie work (probably) Louis wrote and directed Pootie Tang in 2001.
