How would you spend your last day on Earth?
Getting a porn-star-level blow job by a pretty girl in her church clothes as I launch my Formula 1 car off the Golden Gate Bridge Grand Theft Auto V style. They’ll never find my body, because a shark eats the wreckage, and Jay Z will make a song about it featuring R. Kelly.
Do you have any deathbed confessions?
I farted. It was me. It was always me.
Will you be going to heaven or hell?
Neither. I will always be here, just like Patrick Swayze in Ghost.
What Pitch Perfect–esque a capella song will be playing over and over in hell?
It’ll be a video of me from the movie singing Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music,” and I won’t.
The Workaholics guys are informed they have 24 hours before they meet their demise. What does each of them do?
We all do the exact same thing: smash a weird amount of Oreos and aggressively ride Jet Skis.
You think there’s a TelAmeriCorp in hell?
Yes, and it’s exactly like the fictional one in Rancho Cucamonga.
You’re from Iowa, you live in L.A., and you set your show in Rancho Cucamonga. Where do you spend your last day?
The moon, but if I can’t make it there, I’ll settle for Joshua Tree, on mushrooms. It’s basically the same thing.
Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
Anybody who’s wearing a “fun hat.”
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Masturbate, because I believe heaven is just one giant ejaculation.
What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
Made a successful TV show with my best friends.
If you could come back and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be and why?
Michelle Obama. I can’t explain why; I’m not trying to get on any government lists.
You’re throwing a house party in heaven. What does the invite say?
Heaven is pretty boring—bring booze and drugs.
If you could arm-wrestle one person before you die, who would it be?
. No kidding. That would be a dream come true.
What woman did you always want to sleep with?
The three-titted chick from Total Recall.
The first girl you ever slept with delivers your eulogy. What does she say?
“Adam had a ‘whatever’-size dick. Oops, this is his funeral. Uh, he will be missed. Why was I allowed to speak?”
I know who killed Biggie, and his name is…
Workaholics airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on Comedy Central.