Missing the show? Here’s how to cope without turning to meth.
Face it - there is a large Breaking Bad-shaped hole in your life. Since everybody’s favorite drug-lord went to that big meth-lab in the sky, TV just ain’t what it used to be. But what are you supposed to do? Ween yourself off on Downton Abbey marathons? Wait for the spin-off? Endlessly re-watch official Breaking Bad/Malcolm In The Middle mash-ups? It’s just not the same, damn it! For those of you hurting for a sweet, sweet hit of Vitamin B, we present some alternative ways to combat your Walter White withdrawal.
Photo Courtesy of AMC Networks
When a good show dies, it lives on in the hearts of its fans, and with the rules relaxed on fan fiction publishing, you can bet your last barrel of methylamine that somebody, somewhere, has typed out a few alternative Breaking Bad adventures. And, yes, almost all of these adventures involve sex. Jesse having sex with Saul. Skyler having sex with ghost-Hank. Badger having sex with Skinny Pete, who is in turn having sex with Batman, who is being jerked off by a My Little Pony. Any combination of characters in any combination of positions. It won’t be pretty, but by God, it’ll be thorough, so don’t be surprised if you see Fifty Shades of Mr.White on the shelves some time soon.
The world was taken aback recently with a heartwarming tale of talent coming from unexpected places, when a homeless guy performed, for a mere sandwich, a flawless imitation of everybody’s favorite Breaking Bad characters. It was kind of deflating to learn that said homeless guy was in fact Miles Allen, an established and not-really-homeless voice over artist. Still, perhaps if given enough sandwiches, he can be convinced to put on a Breaking Bad one-man theater show, and have the honor of being the only one man theatre show we’d ever, ever consider watching.
Hobby Meth Lab
We can’t condone building your own meth lab, because as much as being a drug kingpin might seem like a savvy career move, death by hail of bullets or having your severed head duct-taped to an exploding turtle are terrible retirement plans. Also, we don’t want to end up on either Santa or the police’s “naughty” list this close to Christmas. Thankfully you can play it safe with a Lego meth lab. Proving once again that toys are wasted on kids (while hopefully avoiding having your kids wasted on toys), you can recreate your favorite moments of criminal cookery without worrying about the DEA kicking down your door. And if a full-on meth lab seems a little beyond your current capabilities? Well, that’s okay – you can always get an RV.
Cook Your Own Blue Crystal Meth!
Photo: AMC/ Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
We’re not for a moment suggesting that you replace your Breaking Bad habit with an actual meth habit - that’s just trading one harmful addiction with another (also, expensive). But you can certainly stock up your house with delicious candy that looks like Blue Sky, meaning you can enjoy all the benefits of this 99.1% chemically pure drug without the life destroying side-effects of actual meth! Here’s the recipe, so you, too, can briefly experience the joy of addicting your friends to something that’s really bad for them. Hell, if you wanted to, you could even sell it to kids outside their school! …okay, no, don’t do that. Really. Somebody will shoot you.
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