So how do you want to go?
I want to die at the Chateau Marmont hotel. My death would be part of a noble tradition. Ideally, a room-service waiter would shoot me in the back of the head.
Will you go to heaven or hell?
Don’t know. I don’t think I fully qualify for either. I have concerns about the music in heaven, however. What if it’s, like, Paul McCartney’s Wings…or Billy Joel? You can assume that since all the “bad” people go to hell, they’d have better music.
What in-flight meal do they serve in hell?
Ask any domestic carrier. They know.
What part of traveling are you stuck doing over and over again in hell?
In hell you’d probably be stuck in an airport with only two food options: Chili’s and T.G.I. Friday’s.
If your last 24 hours occur during a layover, where would you like to be?
Maybe Saigon. It’s such a romantic place. Plus, it’s removed from anyone I know, so I wouldn’t be bumming anybody out with my morbid focus on death.
Deathbed confession: What’s the most disgusting food you’ve ever tasted?
That putrefied shark in Iceland was the worst mouthful of anything in my life.
Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
If Dick Cheney were younger, I’d like to make him cry. Chickenhawk pussy. He’s one of these guys who’d immediately curl up on the floor, crying, “Not the face! Not the face!”
Name one celebrity chef you’d hate to be stuck on a plane with for eternity.
Better any celebrity chef than just about anybody else. At least they’re chefs, presumably. Who wants to spend eternity with a musician—or, God forbid, a writer?
Besides your liberal use of profanity, what vices could get you in trouble in the afterlife?
Talking shit. Raging at bad food. A fondness for the occasional beverage. Vanity.
Based on all your travels and food experiences, what would be your ultimate last meal?
Some ultra-high-test sushi. Not much—just quality seaweed, some of the best rice in the world, prepared by master Jiro Ono. Then? Pow!
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Cook brunch in a busy, dirty, not very good restaurant. Also, kicking methadone is not to be recommended.
While alive, what did you spend the most money on?
Probably my daughter. Which is, of course, right and good.
Got any last words?