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Aziz Ansari

The always hilarious comedian has swagger to spare on Parks and Recreation. Here he’s about to die.

Photo Courtesy of Colin Patrick Smith / Comedy Central | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Do you have any death-bed confessions?
Remember that time we all split an order of tacos and there was one left that was yours and it went missing? I ate it, and it was delicious.
 
How do you want to go?
Taking a bite of that delicious taco while free-falling out of a cargo plane.
 
What would your Parks and Recreation character, Tom Haverford, tell St. Peter at the pearly gates to get into heaven?
“Come on, Pete, I know I’m on the list. The DJ is one of my best friends!”
 
Which of your stand-up gigs would most approx­imate being in hell?
Probably some open mikes from early in my stand-up days. I remember times in New York where there would be shows inside a Thai restaurant. It was so rude and strange. Nice people are eating pad see ew, and out of nowhere, for reasons un­beknownst to them, strange people are telling masturbation jokes.

You’re known as a real foodie. What’s your last meal? Is it from a food truck?
I would keep it simple and do one of my favorite cheeseburgers (Husk, Shake Shack, or Commodore) with some fries. Side note: Food trucks are becoming an annoying trend. Legit, old taco trucks are great, and there are a few good new ones…but some dudes cooking in a truck with a Twitter account painted on it does not mean it’s good food.
 
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Interact on the phone with customer service at Time Warner or United Airlines.
 
If you could come back and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be and why?
Easy. Arnold Schwarze­negger. Dude is so fas­cinating. I feel like the most interesting time would be if crazy apocalypse-type stuff was going down. This dude has done enough flicks to know what the move is. You know what I’m talking about: cryo­genics. Him, Stallone, and Wesley Snipes all got that shit on lock, I’m sure of it. They just gotta crawl into their panic room and hit a button. Boom! Frozen and safe.
 
What woman did you always want to sleep with?

I’ve been watching some older movies, and the women in them are lovely in a way you don’t really see as much these days. Back then it seemed like the concept of beauty was classier, with fewer concerns about badonkadonks and the like (not that I am anti-badonkadonk). For example, the wife in It’s a Wonderful Life, Donna Reed, looks stunning in that movie. So someone like that—in her prime, though. She passed away, I believe. I’m not into that kind of thing.
 
What are people saying over your casket?
“Can we leave now, or is it disrespectful? How long is OK to hang around this dead body? I’m sure Aziz would be cool with us dipping out at this point.”