Fantasy Football’s Female Dream Team

These ladies already play first string in our fantasies, so why not our fantasy football team?
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These ladies already play first string in our fantasies, so why not our fantasy football team?
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These ladies already play first string in our fantasies, so why not our fantasy football team?

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Photo: RD / Orchon / Retna Digital | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Quarterback: Cameron Diaz

Quarterback: It’s the most important (and demanding) position in football. And there’s something about Mary—er, Cameron—that just makes you think she’d be an effective QB. From her long, athletic limbs to her love of dirty humor, she commands a certain respect and locker room authority. Plus, ever since we heard her say “I’m gonna suck your dick like I’m mad at it!” in Bad Teacher, we’ve been dying to see her get sacked. (Of course, we wouldn’t purposely expose our own QB, but this is fantasy football, right?)

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Photo: Gary Rothstein / Icon SMI / Retna Ltd. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Tight End: Kate Upton

Often described as a hybrid offense/defense position, tight end must be versatile enough to serve as both a lineman and/or receiver, depending on the play. And if anyone knows how to play both sides, it’s a swimsuit model like Kate Upton. One-pieces, cut-outs, bikinis—she does it all! And while she may not know jack shit about football, there’s no doubt she’s got one of the tightest ends on the planet.

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Photo: Dziekan/Brian Dowling / Renta | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Running Backs: Amanda Bynes and Katie Holmes

A solid running back is typically agile and shifty, in order to maneuver around the heat—or steamroll right through it, in the case of a power back like Brandon Jacobs. We can’t help but think Amanda Bynes would have a natural penchant for both, thanks to her demonstrated experience with barreling through other cars on the road, and then fleeing the scene of the crime.  Meanwhile, Katie Holmes’s experience with extricating herself from sticky situations—like her marriage to Tom Cruise—would serve her well on the field. All she’d have to do is pretend that the football represents Suri, the other team’s linemen are Tom Cruise and his cult of Scientologists, and the end zone is freedom in New York. She’d be scoring TDs left and right.

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Photo: Anthony Harvey/Chris Canada/Alexander Michael / Retna Ltd. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Wide Receivers:  Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendricks, and Nicki Minaj

You can’t have a strong passing and running game without wide receivers you can depend on. Like Victor Cruz, they’ve gotta be nimble, and they’ve gotta be quick. And, admittedly, these ladies—all famous for their rather ample proportions—don’t really fit that bill. But we’ll be goddamned if we’re gonna pass up an opportunity to make a joke about Kim Kardashian playing wide receiver!  And frankly we’d just really like to see Joan from Mad Men sprinting down the field (or anywhere) in a tight uniform. As for Nicki, the recent flurry of headlines regarding her feud with fellow American Idol judge Mariah Carey are proof that she’s gully as hell, which is crucial when it comes to completing plays and putting points on the board.

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Photo: RD / Kenney / Retna Digital| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Kicker: Victoria Beckham

Is it too much of a stretch to imagine that some of David Beckham’s talents might have rubbed off on Posh Spice over the years? She may be small, but she’s a little powerhouse. We feel confident she’d nail that point after goal every time.

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Photo: Mitchell Kanashkevich / Getty Images| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Defense team: The hot girls of the Israeli army

Here’s an irrefutable fact about football: It doesn’t really matter how good your offense is if your defense sucks. Here are two irrefutable facts about Israeli women: They are hot, and they are GANGSTER. Israel’s policy of mandatory military service for every citizen means there is simply no room for pussies (figuratively speaking, of course). And while American toddlers are shitting themselves, Israeli tots are learning how to use machine guns. These ladies can defend our end zone anytime they want.

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