America’s Most High-Calorie Meals

And 3 extravagant toilets to help with the aftermath.

And 3 extravagant toilets to help with the aftermath.

Picture this: You’re on the couch, about to tuck into a family-sized bucket of fried chicken by yourself, when you have an epiphany: This meal is just too goddammned healthy! It needs more calories.

Well, perhaps you should have eaten at the Cheesecake Factory instead, where just one serving of Crispy Chicken Costoletta packs the same number of calories (2,610) and twice as much saturated fat (four days-worth) as an entire 12-piece bucket from KFC.

There’s only one problem: Unless you’re a huge baller, you can’t eat at the Cheesecake Factory every single night. Well, luckily for you (and your cardiologist!), there are several other fine dining establishments where comparable offerings can be found. They’re all finalists in this year’s XTreme Eating Awards—an annual affair aimed at identifying and shaming the chain restaurants that serve the most horrifyingly high-calorie meals to diabetic unsuspecting Americans. The complete list is as follows:

-IHOP: Country Fried Steak & Eggs (1,760 calories)

-Maggiano’s Little Italy: Veal porterhouse (2,710 calories)

-The Cheesecake Factory: Bistro Shrimp Pasta (3,120 calories)

-Smoothie King: 40 oz. Peanut Power Plus Grape Smoothie (1,460 calories)

-Chili’s: Full rack of baby back ribs with Shiner Bock barbecue sauce (1,660 calories)

-Uno Chicago Grill: Deep Dish Macaroni & 3 Cheese (1,980 calories)

-Maggiano’s Little Italy: Chocolate Zuccotto Cake (1,820 calories)

Mmmm! Don’t forget to ask for extra dipping sauce with that! And then pray that the closest public restroom is equipped with one of these state-of-the-art commodes, because you’re gonna be spending a lot of time in there.

Inax Regio Smart Toilet

Features include: Relaxing music, soft lighting, an automatic flush mechanism, warm air dryer, a temperature-controlled seat, and something called advanced glazing technology. We don’t know what that is, but try not to think too hard about it—kind of like when you were placing your order at Chili’s.

Kohler Numi Toilet

Features include: A self-cleaning bidet (with adjustable water pressure and temperature controls), a built-in speaker system, and a charcoal filter to keep toxic fumes in check. Spending $6,400 on a toilet may be hard to stomach, but then again, so was the 3,000-calorie porterhouse you’re about to deposit in it.

Toto Washlet S400

Features include: An automatic lid, front and rear washing with warm air drying, a heated seat, an automatic air purifier, and an LCD remote control—although if you knew anything about control, you might not be in this predicament in the first place.

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