How To Avoid Hosting The Holidays

Follow these steps, and you’ll never have to play “cater waiter” to your family again.

Let’s face it – the holidays can be a real bitch, especially when your “holiday fun” is taking place at your own house. Between having to cook a feast, catering to your lazy relatives, and playing referee when your mom decides to start hashing it out with your crazy aunt, you often find yourself wishing you could skip over the whole damn season. Wouldn’t it be great if the holidays were always at someone else’s house? Here are four tips to accomplish just that.

Sabotage a Dinner Party Pre-Holiday Season

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They say history often repeats itself, but in the land of disastrous dinner parties, this is entirely untrue. Before December rolls around, invite your family over for a little get-together and make it one they’ll forever complain about – run out of booze within the first hour, make sure everyone feels sick from your undercooked entree, and so on. When a plate of raw chicken over mystery mush is served, your guests will collectively agree never to trust you with this sort of thing again. Also, this approach is likely to earn you regular meal drop-offs from your concerned mother. So many wins.

Become a Hoarder!

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We’ve all seen it: A&E’s horrifying show that documents people living in their own filth, sleeping atop stacks of cardboard boxes that are invariably inhabited by at least one opossum and 20 lbs of rotting food. It’s enough to make you clean every inch of your sad little apartment. But next time you find yourself reaching for your vacuum, take some pointers from those grimy mongrels and start collecting as much worthless shit as possible: office papers, food, grotesque street finds, your neighbor’s weekly trash, etc. As soon as your family members breathe in the potent stench of month-old leftovers and dead cats, they’ll be offering to host the holidays in no time.

Get A Vice

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Chances are you already have one – or, more accurately, 15 – but we’re guessing you try to keep them under wraps when other people are around. Well, now’s your chance to let it all hang out: leave your drug paraphernalia scattered along the floor, keep your favorite fetish porns on an infinite loop in your living room, continue to neglect your dirty laundry, and let your “raging alcoholic” flag fly. Sure, you’ll probably lose a few friends in the process, but no one will expect you to host a holiday party when you’ve got all those “meetings” to attend. Score!

Get a Sociopathic Roommate

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Speaking from experience, this may be the easiest and most effective way to avoid playing Holiday Host. Nothing gets a family going (literally) quite like an irritating roommate who’s a whining hypochondriac and self-absorbed pathological liar. Seal the deal with someone who manages to say something completely offensive every time they open their mouth – because that shit only flies when you’re actually a part of the family.

Photos by Photo: Maria Pavlova/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013