How To Get A Girl Going
By which we mean, how to make a woman leave, immediately. You can thank the women of the Maxim office for these horrifying stories.
We asked the women of the Maxim office the most important question in dating: How do you get a girl to leave your apartment in a hurry? Their stories of things men have done to inspire a quick exit were both hysterical and horrifying.
Photo: Erin Patrice O’Brien / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
“I went back to this guy’s apartment and after fooling around for a while, he texted me from the bathroom. It said, ‘I really want you to stay over but my parents own the house upstairs and they’re really strict about me having girls sleep over’. He was 28.”
“Probably the number one thing that signaled it was time for a rapid departure was the time a guy said, during our first sexual encounter: ‘So, how do you feel about anal, Jasmine?’ Two problems with that: One, attempting to procure anal sex during the first sexual encounter is admirably bold, but it’s definitely not happening. More importantly, my name is not Jasmine. So if you want to get a girl to leave, suggesting anal (particularly if she’s sober) is a pretty reliable way to make that happen; calling her by the wrong name in the same breath should shut it down once and for all. Another tried and true method: Start playing post-coital video games, especially ones involving gunfire, like Modern Warfare. That still gets me to walk out of the room after sex, and I live with my boyfriend.”
Justine Goodman, Maxim.com
“While on a first date I had a man explain to me his interests, one being his enjoyment for peeing on people. Why? I have no idea, but that is the last thing I need to hear while eating dinner (or doing anything, ever). Unfortunately there have been worse, like the guy I dated who had “BFD” tattooed above his groin (why God, why?!) and the guy who would continuously text me every time he was reading An Inconvenient Truth in the bathtub.”
Alexa Lyons, Maxim.com
“After a few months of dating I went to spend the summer with my new boyfriend in Korea, far, far away from home, family, and friends. We took a weekend trip and one night, over ice cream sundaes, we decided to take turns answering questions from some dumb romantic quiz book for couples. One of the questions was, ‘Have you ever been so mad at someone that you wanted to harm them?’ My answer was, ‘No’. This was his answer: ‘Actually yeah, my ex-girlfriend. I was digging a ditch not long after she broke up with me and all I could think about was bashing her head with the shovel over and over again and then just chopping her up into tiny pieces.’ True story – and no, he wasn’t joking.”
Holly Dexter, Maxim
Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
“This one time I walked into the apartment to find this guy I was dating crouched behind the couch, wearing a headset and holding a video game controller as if it were a real gun, yelling at people who were not there to ‘cover’ him ‘cause he was ‘going in.’ I immediately turned around and walked out and never talked to him again. Oh wait, no I didn’t – I eventually married him. I did walk out though, just so I could get my laughter under control.”
Heather Albano, Maxim.com
“A word of advice, men: Post dinner-date during the evening nightcap in my apartment, please do not ask to use my bathroom and promptly return butt naked. The ‘Naked Man’ trick you learned from How I Met Your Mother does not work – it’s scary and I will call the police.”
Deepa Shah, Maxim
“One time I went on a date to Cheesecake Factory and later that night, mid-make-out, I had to throw up – I didn’t even make it to the bathroom. He left immediately. Reverse the roles, and a good food poisoning up-chuck can totally be staged!”
Clare Thigpen, Maxim
“Here’s a list of all the things people have done that made me want to leave immediately:
– Have really small hands.
– ‘Make beats’.
– Tell me your name is ‘Alex’ but leave mail out addressed to ‘Oleg’.
– Invite me to your debut at a gay strip club.
– Speak no English.
– Have absolutely no furniture.
– Pee in my bed.
– Spit water through a straw into a parking meter so you don’t have to pay for it.
– Take me to Mons Venus.
– Have a garage full of stolen TVs and Nikes (okay, this was the same person as the pee in the bed).
– And don’t tell me you’re saving yourself for marriage!”
Katie Lalama, Maxim