How To Kill Yourself With Food
Stuff your face until you die.
Death awaits us all, but if you’re gonna go, go with a full belly and a story your grieving family and friends can share. These foods are bullets of flavor.
Tony’s I-75 Restaurant, Birch Run, MI
What’s so special about this little diner’s BLT? Well, it comes with a pound of bacon. After eating it, scientifically you are classified as porcine as your human molecules will be in the minority.
7lb Breakfast Burrito
Jack-n-Grill, CO (multiple locations)
Twenty bucks will get you seven pounds of goodness (plus it’s free if you finish it!). This massive burrito is stuffed with 5lbs of grilled potatoes, twelve eggs, half a pound of ham, half a pound of cheese, your dignity, onions and your choice of chili. If your stomach feels funny after a regular Mexican meal, prepare to be incapacitated for at least a week after ingesting this wet monster.
The Triple Coronary Bypass
The Vortex Bar and Grill, Atlanta
At least the name of the burger already tells you what you’re in for! For $26.95 this super stack is made with two half-pound sirloin patties on top of one another, inside three grilled cheese sandwiches, topped with two fried eggs, eight slice of American cheese, ten slices of bacon, and plenty of mayo on the side, plus a big bowl of fries and tots covered in their signature cheesy-cheese goo. The twelve-year-old version of yourself would high-five the shit out of you for eating this monster. And then he would ask you what boobs feel like.
Full Garbage Plate (plus a tall stack of pancakes and side of homemade toast)
At Frank’s Diner, Kenosha, WA
The ‘full’ version of their garbage plate specials with these filling ‘sides’ is presented as a 45-minute challenge without any bathroom breaks allowed. Embrace the meal as a contest if you want a t-shirt and your name on the plaque, otherwise simply take the time to savor the following:
The Full Garbage Plate: 5 eggs mixed into a combination of hash browns, green peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, zucchini and onion with full ham, bacon, sausage, spam, and scratch-made corn beef hash, plus a gooey combo of American, cheddar, Swiss, hot pepper jack and mozzarella cheeses. Jalapenos are optional, but a stack of three pancakes on the side and some homemade toast is not!
Hillbilly Hot Dogs, stands located in Lesage and Huntington, WV and Chesapeake, OH
Fifteen-inches of deep-fried pure beef weenie is surely enough to come between you and your lady, especially when the bun is stuffed with three and a half pounds of deep fried sausage, sautéed peppers and onions, two kinds of cheeses, lettuce, tomatoes, jalapenos, spicy sauce, mustard, ketchup, and creamy slaw.
72oz Steak Dinner
At The Big Texan, Amarillo, TX
Sure, you could justify ordering a 72oz steak by the fact that it’s free if you finish it in an hour (and if you don’t, well, it’s probably food to hold you over for a week), but just take a moment to think about it all. And by all we mean the shrimp cocktail, baked potato, salad, buttered roll, and of course the 72oz steak, which packs over 5,000 calories.
Back to the 2012 Food and Drink Awards