How to Spot an Adulterer on Halloween

Watch out for that sexy schoolgirl.

A person’s choice in Halloween costume may reveal more about them than you think.

According to a recent survey conducted by Ashley Madison—a website that connects married people to other married people for the purpose of pursuing discrete extramarital affairs—male philanderers are most likely to dress as a police officer or soldier, while females tend to opt for sexy schoolgirl costumes.

The poll, which included responses from 4,800 Ashley Madison members, indicates that more than 34% of lady-cheaters will be sexy schoolgirls, with nurse and fairy tale character coming in second and third. As for dudes, a whopping 59.4% of respondents said they plan to dress as a cop or soldier, followed by cowboy or doctor.

We don’t exactly know a ton of married women who are eager to dress up like sexy schoolgirls for any occasion, cheaters or not. But if we accept the survey results, it means that the smokeshow in the naughty Catholic schoolgirl getup who’s been making eyes at you all night just might be looking for something really naughty. Like, say, a night of hot, sweaty, casual adultery.

“Halloween is the one time of year when people can impersonate characters or personalities they wouldn’t normally attempt,” says the site’s controversial founder, Noel Biderman. “Men can dress up as their favorite superhero or act like the tough guy they secretly want to be, while women often choose sexually adventurous costumes because they don’t get to portray that in their everyday life.”

True. But on the other hand, if you’re looking for a romp outside your marriage on a website with the tagline “Life is Short. Have an Affair,” maybe you’re not too preoccupied with waiting for Halloween to roll around before you pretend to be someone you’re not. Just a thought.

Anyway, now that this survey has blown the lid off a question no one was asking, these Halloween-savvy cheaters will surely want to avoid wearing anything that could make people suspicious of their extra-curricular activities. So, in addition to cops and schoolgirls, if you’re a two-timer, we suggest you also stay away from these other costumes.

A Cold Sore

I know, I know—dressing up as a living, breathing herpes flare-up sounds like a terrific idea for a Halloween costume. But it’s a dead giveaway that your mouth has been places it probably shouldn’t.

A Pre-Paid Cellphone

You know who has a pre-paid cellphone? Drug dealers and people who have regular sex with someone they aren’t married to.

A Meth Head

Meth heads are paranoid creeps who are always swatting invisible flies and looking behind them to see if they’re being followed. Take the flies out of the equation and it sounds awfully similar to the behavior of a philanderer in a small town. Avoid.

A Condom

If you need us to explain why it would seem sketchy for a married person to go to a costume party dressed as a Trojan, you’re probably not very good at this whole philandering thing anyway, and you should just quit while you’re ahead.

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