How To Stop Snoring

Four things I learned by seeking a snoring fix.

Snoring does more than ruin your sex life—it can be deadly! Here’s how one Maxim editor cured it with the help of David Volpi, M.D., of EOS Sleep in N.Y.C.

1. Not-so-hot tongue action.

As Dr. Volpi gave my head a thorough examination, he explained, “Snoring is caused by an obstruction either through your nose or mouth. What’s making the noise is the tissues vibrating.” Turns out the problem was my tongue, which cuts off airflow when I snooze. Dick.

2. I took a sleep test.

Dr. Volpi gave me a device (that looks straight out of an S&M catalog) to strap on that measures how often I stop breathing at night. See, snoring is more than just annoying. It can be a sign of sleep apnea, a disorder characterized by abnormal pauses in breathing, which can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke. The device revealed I have mild sleep apnea. I stopped breathing 19 times per hour! 

3. I got a mouth guard.

In an attempt to end the apnea—and snoring—

Dr. Volpi fitted me for what he calls an “oral appliance” (note: not a ball gag), which is basically a mouth guard that moves my jaw (and therefore my tongue) forward ever so slightly. Super sexy.

4. I got my girlfriend back.

The oral appliance works: My girlfriend says I hardly ever snore, and a second sleep test showed that my breathing is stopping only four times per hour. Do I like the idea of 

wearing a somewhat 

uncomfortable mouth guard every night for the rest of my life? Not really, but considering it decreases my chances 

of heart disease—and the chances of my girlfriend stabbing me to death in the middle of the night—it’s here to stay.

Learn more stuff! Check out how to have sex on a plane and how to unblock your toilet