Maxim Editors’ New Year’s Resolutions

Let’s all pretend we’re going to be better people in 2013 until we get bored in a few days!

Let’s all pretend we’re going to be better people in 2013 until we get bored in a few days!

Photo: James Day / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

“My new year’s resolution is to learn as much as I can about multiple types of fire safety sprinkler systems – their exact working mechanics, operating systems, cost and manufacturing details. That way, any time some witless dingbat sends me a text with any form of “LOL”, “LMAO” or winky smiley face, it will be much easier for me to replace the water in said systems of the offending texter’s house with gasoline, before starting a small fire in their kitchen. ROFL YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNED DOWN MOTHERFUCKER 🙂 🙂 :)”

—Nick Leftley, 

“I resolve to stop peeing sitting down. It’s just not a good look.”

—Patrick Carone, Maxim

“This year I’m going to give up red meat, stop being lazy, and quit drinking. Oh wait, no, sorry. I mean I’m going to quit worrying about how much I do all those things.”

—Cameron Berkman, 

“My New Year’s resolution is to take up boxing at the gym. By which I mean I’m going to punch the asshole who continues to use the squeaky stairclimber, knowing full well that the stupid thing is LOUD AND SQUEAKING AND CANNOT BE DROWNED OUT EVEN WITH RIHANNA BLASTING THROUGH MY HEADPHONES. Seriously, dude, you’re toast in 2013.”

—Laura Leu, Maxim

“My resolution is to learn how to cook. Boxed macaroni and cheese is just not cutting it anymore.”

—Alexa Lyons, 

“So we’re just going to go ahead and assume there’s actually going to be a 2013, is that right? Because I’ve spent the last year living like I was dying. (Did this involve a bull named Fu Manchu? It may have.) But with just days to go before 2012 is kaput, my strategy of surviving solely on chicken wings and bourbon seems to have failed, because here I am, not dead yet. So for 2013, I guess it’ll be more of the same. Now, where’s my bottle?”

—David Swanson, Maxim

“I resolve to finish the libretto for a play—or pop opera, if you will—that I’ve been working on, Golf Weekend: The Musical.”

—Ken Gee, Maxim

“Sure, I could sit here and preach about how I’m going to be the best at everything this year, and how I’m going to exercise every day and quit smoking, drinking, and having two speed dials reserved for pizza. But if I did, then I’d really only be resolving to be a liar. And as you can see from my favorite pastimes, I’m better than that.”

—Justine Goodman,

“I resolve to think of better money-saving tactics than making whatever is on the office snack table behind me my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, mostly because that ends up with me developing a gag reflex to specific food items much faster. It’s going to be at least a year before I can eat another marshmallow, a few months before I can eat pulled pork, and at least another few weeks before I recover from three full days of cheese curds.”

—Stephanie Radvan, Maxim

What Maxim Editors Are Doing WIth Their Week Off

Girls, girls, girls