10 Crime Fighting Fatties

These hefty detectives know how to catch a criminal…as long as it doesn’t involve running.

It takes a big man to spend his life fighting crimes, solving cases and upholding the law. These onscreen detectives truly embody such a lifestyle: They’re large and in charge, from their mindset to their waistline. Give it up for a few big dicks:

Detective Bunk Moreland (Wendell Pierce), The Wire

Dearest Bunk, one of our favorite 5-0s on one of the greatest shows ever made, needs that extra padding to keep pace with McNulty’s drinking and the rising number of homicide cases in the city of Bodymore, Murderland.

Private Investigator Harry Crumb (John Candy), Who’s Harry Crumb?

The last and very worst in a long line of detectives, Crumb really knows how to throw his weight around. And by that we mean this accident prone gumshoe breaks, ruins, and disrupts anything within a 50 foot radius.

Dectective Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz), NYPD Blue

Whether he’s slapping around the suspect or tossing Mark Paul Gosselaar’s corn nuts out the window—that’s not a euphemism—NYPD Blue‘s protagonist proved that being a fat, angry drunk is the most sensible way to cope with all those New York City assholes. (Fun Franz Fact: He’s played a cop over 100 times.)

Detective Marlin Boulet (Anthony Anderson), K-Ville

Anderson’s role as Detective Marlin Boulet of the New Orleans Police Department’s Felony Action Squad isn’t his only stint on the police force: Just this year, he appeared in Scream 4 as a Woodsboro deputy in who gets stabbed between the eyes by Ghostface. His last words, “Fuck Bruce Willis,” were a reference to a previous conversation about how Willis is always the cop to survive. Speaking of Willis…

Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson), Die Hard

When we first meet Al he’s picking up Twinkies for his pregnant wife…or so he claims. Moments later he’s over at the Nakatomi building where some “terrorists” turn his car into Swiss cheese. Mmm…cheese…

Detective Joe Manditski (Val Kilmer), Kill the Irishman

Joe Manditski’s certainly not the beefiest guy on this list. But when you think that once upon a time Val Kilmer had the strong jaw and ripped abs –he was friggen Batman for craps sake—we needed to acknowledge the slow and steady sag in his crime fighting physique.

Jason Lochinvar ‘Fatman’ McCabe (William Conrad), Jake and the Fatman

Technically Jake is the detective and Fatman is the D.A., but Fatman used to be a cop, which is good enough for us. With his look-alike bulldog Max by his side and a cigar dangling from his mouth, Fatman goes above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to living up to his nickname.

Det. Sgt. Eugene Moretti (Charles Durning), Dog Day Afternoon

If our day job ever involved a long afternoon spent profusely sweating and negotiating with a guy who holds up a bank so his pre-op wife can get the cash for a sex change, we’d be stress eaters too.

Sgt. Gerry Boyle (Brendan Gleeson), The Guard

An officer of the law with a weakness for milkshakes and hookers, Sgt. Gerry Boyle is used to small town living and small-time crime. Until murder and drug trafficking bring a C.I.A. agent (Don Cheadle) to town. That’s about the time that things get a little more ridiculous and a lot more racist. From start to finish, Gerry Boyle’s antics remain as hilarious as his ass is wide.

PC Danny Butterman (Nick Frost), Hot Fuzz

As the bigger half of the hilarious British duo, Nick Frost makes an aptly named PC Butterman alongside Pegg’s super-cop Nicholas Angel. Until Angel comes along, the lack of action in the village of Sandford meant Butterman had plenty of time to pursue his other passions, namely drinking at the pub, watching Bad Boys II and lots of other things that involved sitting.