10 Fail-Proof College Football Predictions

We look into our crystal ball at the best and worst of the season to come.

Sports predictions can be annoying. They seem so certain before the season’s first kickoff. Alabama repeating as champs in 2010? Why, yes! That makes perfect sense! How could any other outcome possibly come to pass? Then the future happens and every prediction is blown to bits. That’s why we’ve gone to great lengths to craft a list that will not end up pissing you off and causing you to hunt us down with a bow and poison-tipped arrow. We can safely say the following 10 statements will turn out exactly as we’ve described them. And if they don’t, well, we predict you won’t remember this list anyway, because you’re reading it while hammered on a flight from Chicago to Tulsa. Let’s dig in.

Five Things That’ll Rule

1. Legal entanglements will make this season historic. 

At press time the NFL was lost in oblivion thanks to its owner- imposed lockout. (Thanks, NFL! Way to make us hate you.) College football is the obvious immediate beneficiary of this nonsense. Meanwhile, the BCS is facing an antitrust lawsuit and an investigation by the Department of Justice. Both legal issues could finally force the BCS to try to slap a playoff system onto its postseason. Who knew lawyers were useful?

2. Gus Johnson’s calls will blow your nuts off. 

Did you love Gus Johnson when he was announcing March Madness and ejaculating vital organs anytime a 13 seed hoisted up a three? Well, CBS waved goodbye to him this off-season, and sportscasting’s answer to an Herbal Essences shampoo commercial was immediately snatched up by Fox, where he’ll be doing Pac-12 games. Trust us, he’ll increase your love of the game by at least 56 percent.

3. Sometime in October, you will say, “Holy crap! The Pac-10 is, like, 12!”

Remember a couple of years back, when every team from every conference suddenly threatened to join other conferences, which in turn caused the Earth’s crust to split open and let loose zillions of alien spaceships? This is the year those changes take root. As a result of Colorado and Utah joining, the Pac-10 has turned green and grown out of its pants and will eat your kin. Oh, and Nebraska’s in the Big 10 (now 12).

4. Gators coach Will Muschamp will cause other teams to explode solely by use of telekinesis.

Former Florida coach Urban Meyer set numerous school records for undisclosed aneurysms. Yet he  looks like Steven Wright compared to his successor, a man so intense he will heal your broken leg simply by spitting violently on it. Will Muschamp has been known to juggle pickup trucks when irritated, and dammit, we can’t wait to watch him prowl the sidelines

5. An SEC team will win the national title for the sixth year in a row. 

Will it be Alabama? LSU? AlabuckyanaSU, a superschool formed midseason by all the SEC teams banding together in an attempt to dominate mankind with their breathtaking speed and high-octane spread offense? All we know is that a team will win the SEC, and that team will end up curb-stomping poor Oklahoma in the BCS title game on January 57th. (Man, that game keeps getting pushed back, doesn’t it?)

Five things That’ll Suck

1. Notre Dame could be good this year, guys! They really wi…OH, NO, THEY DROPPED THREE OF THEIR FIRST FOUR! 

The annual Notre Dame season timeline is now firmly established: (1) Get hyped up because they’re Notre Dame. (2) Lose a handful of games at the outset and fall back into irrelevance. (3) Get a little hot to end the season and make it to some bowl they really don’t deserve to be in. Although we’re told the school will mix things up this year by not putting their videographer in death’s way. Good on ya, Notre Dame.

2. “Legends” and “Leaders”? Really?

Those are the names of the Big 10’s new divisions. The Legends division will feature Michigan, Nebraska, Iowa, and the corpse of iconic Illinois halfback Red Grange. The Big 10 can shuffle its chairs all it likes, but at the end of the day it will still be a Stone Age conference that will fail this year even to live up to its annual objective of having Ohio State disemboweled by an SEC team in the national championship.

3. LSU coach Les Miles will do at least four things that leave your  faith in human intelligence permanently shaken:

•In the opener against Oregon, he’ll order a quick kick on first down. Just to disrupt Oregon’s timing. •Against West Virginia, he’ll fake a kickoff, only to be told that you can’t pick the ball up off the tee and run with it. •What do you do against Auburn when there are 15 seconds left, you’re down four, and you have the ball at their 20 with no time- outs left? Draw play! •Against Arkansas,he’ll order a nine-point conversion.

4. Joe Paterno will have coached his last game.

We can say this with certainty because JoePa actually coached his last game seven years ago, died of a pulmonary embolism, was taxidermied, and is now placed along the sidelines for every Penn State game like some kind of Italian cigar- store Indian. Rub his hair for good luck, boys! (Did you know the 85- year-old hasn’t visited a recruit in more than three years? He would have, if every home in America didn’t have a goddamn front stoop. Those things are agony when you have seven artificial hips!)

5. The BCS will ink a TV deal that extends into the year 3098.

You know how we said the BCS could be forced into creating a playoff system this year? Just kidding. You can’t kill the BCS. It’s an immortal evil, not unlike Lee Corso. Enjoy your college football season, fans!

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