10 Lame Movie Robots
Not every ‘bot to hit the big screen can be as cool as the Transformers.
Movie:Batteries Not Included
Robots: The Fix-Its
The thing we love most about robots is their ability to kill efficiently and without remorse, which is why we hate the Fix-Its so friggin’ much. When alien robots—at least we think they were aliens, that movie came out a long time ago—come down from space they’re supposed to unleash devastating mechanical fury upon the earth, not shack up with Jessica Tandy and fix toasters.
Movie:Short Circuit
Robot: Johnny 5
With his stupid voice, terrible one-liners, and arms like a retarded T-rex, Johnny 5 is easily the crappiest robot in movie history. This movie is fun to watch when you’re 5, but after that the only redeeming qualities are the scene where Johnny bleeds oil after getting the crap kicked out of him and Fisher Stevens’ laughably racist Indian accent.
Movie:Star Wars
Robot: C-3PO
George Lucas created a heap of innovative movie robots, but this piss-colored rust bucket is easily the second most annoying character in the Star Wars universe. (He’s not quite lame enough to dethrone Jar Jar, but it’s close.) Why would something that’s fluent “in over 6 million forms of communication” need to use a voice described on Wikipedia as that of a “prissy, high-strung butler”? Plus, if we hear the words, “oh dear,” one more time, our heads are going to explode like the friggin’ Death Star.
Movie:A.I.
Robot: Haley Joel Osment Android
A.I. is two and a half hours of (more) proof that Steven Spielberg is better at adopting children than creating robots. We can just hear him saying, “I want to make a movie about a robot that has no lasers of any kind, but does a lot of moping and whining. People are definitely going to love that.” Well, we don’t love it, and if that ass guard at the gate of Spielberg’s mansion would ever let us through, we would tell him. Then we would steal his mail.
Movie:Lost in Space
Robot: Matt LeBlanc
They never actually come out and say that LeBlanc is a robot in this movie, but with his wooden delivery, vapid expressions, and complete lack of human emotion, it’s hard to think otherwise. Apparently there’s another pretty crappy ‘bot in this flick as well, but we were too busy yelling, “Look, it’s Joey!” to notice.
Movie:D.A.R.Y.L.
Robot: D.A.R.Y.L.
Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform might have the most boring acronym we have ever heard. We give it credit for having “robot” in there, but the words “data analyzing” would fit better on some dork’s résumé than in a movie title. Even though his name sucks, D.A.R.Y.L. does have a few cool special abilities. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still an annoying little douche.
Movie:The Electric Grandmother
Robot: Robo-granny
The Electric Grandmother—based on a Ray Bradbury short story—is a kid-friendly movie from 1982 in which a family replaces their dead grandma with a highly customizable mechanical version. It might sound a little morbid, but it teaches kids the valuable lesson that even the most beloved family member can easily be replaced with an expensive piece of electronics.
Movie:Rocky IV
Robot: Paulie’s robot butler
Not a day goes by where we don’t dream of having our very own automated butler to dispense drinks, play music, and scare the hell out of our pets. But if we’re going to shell out the big bucks, we’d want something a lot cooler looking than the hunk of junk they have in Rocky IV. Granted, it was only 1985, but with that annoying voice and trash-can-looking body, we’d rather watch that ‘bot take a tumble down the stairs than let it do our laundry. Well, maybe it could do the laundry first, but then it’s definitely going down the stairs.
Movie: Bicentennial Man
Robot: Andrew Martin
You can dress up Robin Williams however you want, but underneath he’s still going to be the same hairy, annoying guy that hasn’t shut the fuck up for the past 30 years. Plus, the story is about a robot that turns into a person, which may have been innovative when Isaac Asimov wrote his short story, but now it’s about as fresh as a seagull’s breath. (They eat garbage and don’t floss.)
Movie:Eve of Destruction
Robot: Eve
Ah government, when will you learn not to build highly dangerous androids equipped with nuclear bombs? By now you guys should know that it’s definitely going to escape and raise hell all over the place. Then you have to call up Gregory Hines and convince him to go and capture it… It’s all a big pain in the ass. Plus, it makes for a craphole movie. So do yourselves a favor, next time just build something more practical like a tank or a Taco Bell closer to our office.