The 10 Least Threatening Beat-‘Em-Up Video Game Characters

The new Killer Instinct – out today – has us in a brawling mood. But which fighting game characters should you never, ever pick?

Thok – Masters of Teras Kasi

Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Han Solo, that weird alien who had, like, the penis for a neck…the Star Wars universe has plenty of cool characters to use in a fighting game. But Teras Kasi decided that, in addition to cool dudes, we’d love to play the character best known for being a drooling pig creature that gets force-choked. Remember that? Of course you don’t. It was literally five seconds in Return of the Jedi. Luke is trying to get into Jabba’s palace and these guys try to block his way so he…sigh. We’re not even doing this. Thok sucks. He’s just terrible.

Loader – Rise of the Robots

Cool idea: A fighting game with robots! Bad idea: Making the robots utilitarian toasters. “Loader” is literally that – a robot that loads things. He’s a forklift. How German do you have to be to think a forklift in a game is fun?

Blob – Clayfighter

Claymation is possibly the coolest medium ever, and with a roster that includes a killer snowman, a pumpkin-headed monster, and a diapered wrestler, Clayfighter is one of the more original games all-around (not just among fighters). Sadly, the creators must have run out of ideas after the first eight characters, because number nine is literally just a turd. Blob is a turd of clay – there’s no other way to describe him. And while turds in games can sometimes be a heckuva good time, Blob is not one of those times.

Dan – Street Fighter IV

This isn’t because he wears a sweet pink gi: Pink is a baller color that ballers wear because they are confident in their selves and they don’t need no man. No, Dan is lame because they just try so hard to make him a joke. Capcom literally created a character nobody would want to play except ironically, like, “Ha. Check it out guys. I’m going to be Dan. Isn’t that a riot? I’ll probably lose but it’s okay because I’m Dan and I’m ironically appropriating his losing because I’m really just above video games. You know? Hey, why are you picking up that construction sledge hammer?”

Sammy – Streets of Rage 2

Two words: Roller blades. Wait…is that one word? Okay, one word: Rollerblades.

Ax Battler – Golden Axe

Uh…”Ax Battler”? A little on the nose, don’t you think? Why not Barbario the Shirtless? Conan the Uncivilized? Fighty McHitting? Plus, what game makes the Barbarian the middle of the road character? The Dwarf is the best fighter and the Amazon is the best wizard, and the Barbarian is in between? What? Everybody knows the Barbarian is supposed to be the best fighter. Barbarians aren’t wizards; even a level one hedge shaman knows that. Come. The. Fuck. On. Also…his name is “Ax Battler” and yet he carries a sword. We can’t even…GAH.

TJ Combo – Killer Instinct

Let’s see here…we got a murder cyborg, a magically reanimated teleporting skeleton, an alien ice monster, a werewolf, a guy made entirely out of fire…and a boxer. A boxer who wears boxing gloves. Boxing gloves against one character who happens to be a velociraptor/human hybrid? Yeah. That makes sense.

Rungo – Battle Arena Toshinden

So this is a weapons-based game, featuring a multi-country cast. All the weapons are sorta appropriate to the country and character: The French guy has a big sword, the Russian vixen has a whip, etc. The American? A giant stone dildo. OK, maybe it’s a “club,” but whatever. That thing is a damn dildo. And the character’s name? Rungo. Fucking Rungo.

Fred Durst – WWF Smackdown! Just Bring It /WWF RAW /Fight Club

What can possibly be said about Fred Durst that can’t be said by a simple Google search?

Stryker – Mortal Kombat 3

While Mortal Kombat is famous for featuring the absolute laziest character design (hello, “Mokap”), Stryker is not so much lazy as he is a reminder of how terrible the ’90s were. Just look at this backwards hat-wearing scrub! He’s such a pussy he even has to stick his fingers in his ears during his own finishing moves. Ugh.