10 Most Misbehaved Movie Animals

Get the leash and the air horn. It’s time to teach these beasts a lesson.

Despite what your sad neighbor thinks, animals are not people. They can’t all be well-trained, sophisticated beasts. For every Stuart Little there is a Jaws. You can find one of the most misbehaved, and most-well spoken, animals in the hit show Wilfred (Season one is now out on DVD and Blu-ray). But looking at Wilfred’s behavior, he’s still a Lady next to these misbehaved Tramps.

10. Apes – From Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

What do you get if you give apes magic super-intelligence gas? Nothing but grief. A simple “Thank you” would have been nice. Instead the apes turn on man, setting off a chain of events that will nearly destroy us all, to say nothing of the traffic problems they caused in California.  

9. Cat –  From Babe

Photo: Universal Pictures| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Mean cats in movies are nothing new, but this smushy-faced devil is just nasty. She tries to turn the farm animals against each other and reveals Babe’s only purpose to him: bacon. Grr. What’s the cat version of the term “bitch?” Oh yeah. It’s “cat.”

8. Frank the Pug – From Men in Black and Men in Black 2

Photo: Columbia Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

He’s actually an alien. And because he’s wearing an adorable suit in MiB 2, he must be somewhat behaved. So why is he on the list? He talks back to his fellow MiB agents. Blatant disrespect for one’s co-workers is not to be tolerated. He also bites and seems to be all-around antagonistic.

7. Rob Schneider – From The Animal

Photo: Columbia Pictures| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

After an accident, Rob’s character is put back together using animal parts. And then he gains animal powers. And he’s kind of a douchebag. That seems complicated, which is why the movie was pitched as, “Um…let’s just figure it out as we go. Who wants pancakes?” Hollywood screamed with joy and handed over a pillowcase filled with money.

6. Birds – From The Birds

Photo: Universal Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

One of the great things about Hitchcock’s masterpiece is that no explanation is given for the birds’ sudden lust for blood. What turned these fine feathered friends into manics? Maybe it was something in the air? Maybe it was Mother Nature fighting back? Or maybe they’re just being dicks. Birds are dicks in general, always silently judging our nude bodies and whatnot. Lousy birds.

5. Yogi Bear – from Yogi Bear

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

A talking bear should have no goddamn trouble getting food. There’s no need to resort to petty thievery. Just open your mouth and say, “I would like a sandwich,” and then everyone will scream with terror and feed you because they assume you’re some sort of Biblical prophet.

4. Marley – From Marley and Me

Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

All dogs go to heaven, except Marley. That’s the name of our forthcoming book that explains why Marley is the Hitler of dogs. Yeah, it’s sad when he died at the end. But if a random dude came into your house, chewed on your stuff, and urinated all over, you’d probably want him put to death. Marley should be a lesson to all other dogs and terrible dog owners.

3. Gopher – From Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2

Photo: Orion Pictures Corporation | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Of all the misbehaved animals on the list, this is the one we actually root for. Few movies these days have the guts to feature a smartass puppet battling the upper class and dimwitted groundskeepers. If they ever remake Caddyshack (and you just shivered a bit, didn’t you?) there’s a 98% chance that the Gopher will be a horrible computer generated eye-sore…voiced by Seth Rogen…that will be in 3D. [sigh]

2. Crystal the Monkey – From The Hangover Part 2, Night of the Museum, Community, and We Bought a Zoo

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Crystal is the hardest working monkey in show business. Either she’s a fantastic actress, or she really is a huge asshole of a monkey. Whenever she appears on screen, she’s usually stealing, smoking, slapping or just being an all-around jerk. She’s the Tom Green of primates.

1. Beethoven – From Beethoven, Beethovens 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and Beethoven’s Big Break and Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure

Photo: Universal Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Because these are (theoretically) comedies, the various property destruction and mayhem caused by the giant St. Bernard is easily dismissed, but in a real-life situation, Beethoven would have been put to sleep during the closing credits of the first film. And no amount of Sarah McLachlan music can change our minds.