Thanks to prison overcrowding and the general hesitance of the Los Angeles court system to punish anyone who’s famous, Lindsay Lohan’s 30-day jail sentence was reduced to a one-hour walking tour and free T-shirt. If anyone was truly interested in punishing her for her innumerable offenses, we’d suggest sending Lindsay for a month to any one of these fictitious big houses. Close ‘em up!
Manhattan Island(Escape from New York)
Conditions: Lots of room to walk around and collect one’s thoughts, so long as you never, ever go down Broadway or hang out in the Chock Full O’Nuts after sundown. Lilo can even continue her performing career (All together now: “Stab a priest/with a foooork/and you’ll spend your va-ca-tion in New York!”)
Inmate to watch out for: Romero. He’s the main snitch for The Duke, plus he’s bleached blond, meth-skinny, and twitchy, meaning he’s a vagina away from being just Lindsay’s type.
Chances for survival: If Adrienne Barbeau ain’t getting out, Lindsay doesn’t stand a chance.
(Photo Credit: MGM Studios; Buy Escape from New York [Blu-ray])
Shawshank Prison (The Shawshank Redemption)
Conditions: Not bad, as prisons go, so long as Lindsay can keep on the good side of Warden Norton. But seeing as she’s terrible with numbers--one movie role for every seven court appearances is just bad math no matter how you slice it--we can see him getting impatient with her real quick.
Inmate to watch out for: “Red,” because he’s a guy who can “get stuff” and, well, that’s always where Lindsay’s problems start, don’t they?
Chances for survival: Good. Her chances for escape are even better, since no one would suspect she was tunneling out behind a poster of herself.
(Photo Credit: Warner Home Video; Buy The Shawshank Redemption [Blu-ray Book])
Azkaban (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
Conditions: For most, Azkaban is a horrid place filled with soul-sucking creatures that literally tear the happiness right out of your body, sending you into an endless depression spiral. For Lindsay, that’s pretty much a weekend with Dad.
Inmate to watch out for: Bellatrix Lestrange, because there is only enough room for one emotionally unhinged harpy in the yard.
Chances for survival: Great. Lindsay has one magic power, and it’s the ability to make her jail sentence mysteriously disappear every single time.
(Photo Credit: Warner Home Video; Buy Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Three-Disc Ultimate Edition) [Blu-ray])
Gateway Prison (Lock Up)
Conditions: Abysmal. Dank, grey, and depressing – and that’s just Rahway, New Jersey. Inside the prison itself, things are marginally better, but not much. And Warden Drumgoole, unlike, say the Los Angeles County judges, actually follows through on his threats.
Inmate to watch out for: Chink Weber. Not because he’s big and intimidating, but because he’ll spend her entire sentence pestering her about hooking him up with a role in that Gotti movie that keeps threatening to get made.
Chances for survival: OK, but this is the kind of violent, rusted hellhole Lohan deserves to be tortured in daily. Oh, sorry, our bad--we’re referring to Michael.
(Photo Credit: Lionsgate; Buy Lock Up)
Erehwon prison (Face/Off)
Conditions: Look, we know that an ankle monitor is no match for Lindsay, so clearly more extreme matters have to be taken. The off-shore prison of Erehwon straps its inmate into giant metal boots that are magnetized to the floor.
Inmate to watch out for: Castor Troy, because he’s either Nic Cage acting like John Travolta or John Travolta acting like Nic Cage – in short, he is the Oreo Double Stuff of awful.
Chances for survival: Slight. How is Lindsay supposed to blithely walk away from punishment when she can’t even walk, blithely or otherwise?
(Photo Credit: Paramount; Buy Face/Off [Blu-ray] )
Thai Prison (The Big Doll House)
Conditions: Savage. Sultry. Shower-y. Even the most mundane interactions here devolve into bathroom stall wrestling matches, and the official prison-issue clothing is apparently made of dental floss and wishes.
Inmate to watch out for: Grear. Because she’s played by Pam Grier. Do you know how badass you have to be to have a character in a women-in-prison film named after yourself?
Chances for survival: Excellent. Taking Lindsay off the streets and putting her in here is like when Michael Jordan finally gave up baseball and returned to the hardcourt. Cat fights are her comfort zone, baby.
(Photo Credit: Shout! Factory; Buy The Women in Cages Collection)
House of Particular Individuals (Idiocracy)
Conditions: Wait, all she has to do is convince stupid people that she should be free to walk whenever she wants? No contest.
Inmate to watch out for: The big bald fat guy who sits on people, duh.
Chances for survival: Great. Lindsay would be out of there well before they ever determined her aptitude, giving her a shot at a cabinet position in President Camacho’s administration.
(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox; Buy Idiocracy)
The Phantom Zone (Superman II)
Conditions: Cramped. Very, very cramped.
Inmate to watch out for: There’s really no need to keep your head on a swivel in the phantom zone, since all the prisoners are basically crammed into a vanity mirror from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Chances for survival: Not great. There are no VIP rooms here, sweetheart.
(Photo Credit: Warner Home Video; Buy Superman: The Motion Picture Anthology, 1978-2006 [Blu-ray])
Fiorina 161 (Alien 3)
Conditions: The L.A. courts keep whining about prison overcrowding, why not ship LiLo off to an outer space penal colony? In space, no one can hear you ask, “But don’t you know who I am?”
Inmate to watch out for: Well, if they’re not rapists, they’re religious zealots. If they’re not religious zealots, they’re probably seconds away from birthing a killer alien. So, um, take your pick.
Chances for survival: Very slim. Even a badass like Ellen Ripley had to off herself to escape. “Fury” 161 will be more harsh and unyielding than the reviews for I Know Who Killed Me
(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox; Buy Alien Anthology [Blu-ray])
Terminal Island (Death Race)
Conditions: Terminal Island is an industrial nightmare, but it does afford Lindsay a chance at the last resort for all dimming stars: Reality TV. If she can get herself into the Death Race, she’s guaranteed a few more minutes of precious, life-giving screen time.
Inmate to watch out for: Jensen Ames, aka “Frankenstein.” But only because he could potentially steal her spotlight, and she ain’t having that.
Chances for survival: Have you seen this girl’s driving record? She’s been racing in “Death Race” for years, only she’s been calling it, “Trying to get home from the Valley at 3 in the morning.”
(Photo Credit: Universal Studios; Buy Death Race (Unrated) [Blu-ray])