The winner of the first College Football Playoff will be crowned tonight as Oregon’s Ducks take on Ohio State’s Buckeyes in a game that most fans are describing as “reasonable enough.” Fans have other words for the Buckeyes - and for good reason. We can count ten good reasons to hate Ohio State on our fingers, which is more of a comment on our fingers than on Ohio State.
1. Scholar Athletes
The story of Cardale Jones, third-string quarterback/mascot, is positively heartwarming, but not as heartwarming as this legendary tweet he sent in 2012: “Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL, classes are POINTLESS.” Apparently the dude was reading Peter Singer’s “Practical Ethics.” Just kidding, he wasn’t reading.
2. The Moderately-Sized Ten
The Big Ten wasn’t impressive this season. They had some bowl success (Penn State beat Boston College in a baseball stadium!), but the season was a long slog through middling. At least the teams on the West Coast kept it interesting.
3. Urban Frank Meyer, III
Remember that time Urban Meyer announced that he was going to retire to spend time with his family and his gastroesophageal reflux disease then signed a $4-million contract with the Buckeyes?
4. Which Ohio State University?
We get that it’s your school name, but every NFL alum shouts the article like they’re trying to impress a drill sergeant. You don’t hear pro linemen shouting “The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas” or “Leland Stanford Junior University.” That’s because they’re not assholes.
5. Because Alabama
It’s one thing to lose to the National Champion. If you lose to the guy who wins out, you get to talk a big game about being as good as everyone else. Wouldn’t it be great if Nick Saban didn’t get the opportunity to give that quote? Yes, it would be great.
6. Urban Frank Meyer, III
Remember that time Urban Meyer became the poster child for an offensive scheme he definitely didn't invent?
7. Aesculus Glabra
The buckeye is a poisonous nut. It’s only practical use is for making leather - thanks to high tannic acid level. Ohioans just use them as nerd-seeking projectiles.
9. Urban Frank Meyer, III
Remember that time Urban Meyer provided Aaron Hernandez with guidance during his college years/first shooting spree?
10. OSU Legend Woody Hayes
The legendary player and coach gave a speech in 1969 in which he said, “I wouldn’t be so sure those women were innocent.” He was talking about the slaughter at My Lai.
Photos by Icon Sportswire / AP Images