The winner of the first College Football Playoff will be crowned tonight as Oregon’s Ducks take on Ohio State’s Buckeyes in a game that most fans are describing as “reasonable enough.” Fans have other words for the Ducks - and for good reason. We can count ten good reasons to hate Oregon on our fingers, which is more of a comment on our fingers than on Oregon.
1. Nike, Nike, Nike
Acting as if Oregon is some hippie outsider school filled with word-ly athletic prodigies misses the fact that it’s a front and testing ground for one of the biggest companies in the world, one that influences everything it does when it comes to athletics (and refused a donation when the University became critical of labor conditions).
2. Marcus Mariota
Look, he’s a nice guy and all, but perhaps a little too nice? Taken in the context of recent Heisman winners and finalists, Mariota comes across as squeaky clean. What is he hiding? What deal did he make for that golden arm? WHERE’S THE BODY, MARIOTA?
3. They’re Not Wearing the Cool Uniforms
The Oregon green uniforms look awesome. The one’s they’re wearing tonight, straight from their patron Nike? Ugly as hell.
4. The Duck
The Duck is a killing machine and should be behind bars.
What kind of name for a city is Eugene? What about a city called Larry? Or Stan? Or Jeff?
The Ghost of Chip Kelly
Oregon’s spread offense is its most vaunted weapon, but the guy who made it isn’t even around anymore – he’s too busy killing quarterbacks in Philadelphia. So even if Oregon wins, it won’t be the game plan of someone who’s even there anymore.
While the rest of the nation spends the next 20 years getting around to legalizing marijuana, you can smoke
you drop (into a gallon of Ice Cream) in the Beaver State. They don’t need a National Championship on top of that high.
If you had to name the conference that Oregon, Cal, and USC belonged to,
? No. Because it is an amorphous blob of a conference, that only stoners and surfers know about. It merits no discussion, and does not cause gravitational fluctuations, like the all-powerful, all-seeing NCAA.
There’s no bigger Duck fan than Phil Knight, but did you know that he did irreparable harm to both teams by having his company
? For shame, Phil.
They’re Not Winners
They’ve never won the National Championship. Holy cow, even Tennessee has won a national championship, and football isn’t even their third best sport. They are losers, and losers should never be winners. Losers should stay losers forever.
Photos by CSM / AP Images