Titanfall, Microsoft’s killer Xbox One game, launches today. After falling in love with Titanfall’s online-multiplayer-only gameplay during the beta, we are committed to shirking every one of our responsibilities for the next week now that we have the full game in our grubby mitts. In order to properly prepare ourselves, we made this list of the types of gamers you’ll encounter during a Titanfall session. Read it, memorize those players, and get ready to mech-stomp all of them.
Titanfall has done away with the no-scoping Sniper that has plagued other first-person shooters, but there will always be that one guy who insists on using his sniper like a shotgun. Expect to see him pulling that cheap shit in the early days of the game, then, when he gets frustrated, expect him to use Titanfall’s auto-targeting “Smart” Pistol. And then, when people call him a bitch for doing that, expect him to turn into The Minion Killer (see below).
How To Waste Him: Patience. We were able to execute more snipers than you’d believe just by cloaking ourselves and camping on rooftops.
The Minion Killer
This guy knows he has no chance against living, breathing, thinking opponents but, luckily for him, Titanfall’s matches are puffed up by AI foot soldiers that are little more than camo’d cannon fodder. Through the cunning use of a little tactic known as “hiding” and an ample supply of grenades, this guy is a consistently top ranked player each round with a score line of zero Titan kills, zero Pilot kills, and 67 Minion kills.
How To Waste Him: Sacrifice your pawns. Minions drop onto the map in groups throughout a match, so wait for a drop, trace where his shots are coming from, flank him, and grenade his freaking head off.
The Lone Wolf
This guy isn’t unique to Titanfall but we know he’ll be showing up on launch day. He’s the one who, without fail, will absolutely not work in a team. You may have five guys coordinating when to drop their Titans to ensure that your team is never without one, and right after talking through this strategy, the Lone Wolf will drop his immediately, lose it, and then run, balls out, into the middle of a crossfire. If you don’t see him during a match, you can find him on the scoreboard - he’ll be the guy with a kill/death ratio of six kills to 26 deaths.
How To Waste Him: The Lone Wolf is his own worst enemy. He’ll follow you around almost any corner trying to get a kill, so turn a corner, drop a grenade, wait for him to walk into it, then gun him down with your automatic pistol.
The Oblivious Guy
This guy was the reason the term “noob” was coined, and he remains permanently oblivious to everything going on around them. The annoying thing is, a true Oblivious Guy never gets better. Like a Lone Wolf, he won’t fit into a team dynamic. Unlike a Lone Wolf, he’ll actually follow you like a puppy while taking absolutely no precautions to cover your back or give you suppressing fire. Mostly, he’s the video game equivalent of wearing a red coat during the revolutionary war. If you’re playing against him, gun for the Oblivious Guy for lots of quick, easy kills.
How To Waste Him: Honestly, we pity this guy too much to form a serious strategy against him. We do like using him as practice for our flying kicks though (seriously, flying kicks in Titanfall are deadly, and as insulting as slapping someone in real life).
The Friendly Firer
Titanfall’s default matchmaking turns off friendly fire so you can’t actually kill your teammates, even if you call in a Titan that lands on your buddies. Still, that won’t stop some jackass from trying his damnedest to shoot his teammates in the back. You’ll typically notice the Friendly Firer after a respawn - as you charge back into combat, he’ll be like a bug, with his completely harmless bullets buzzing in your ear. You’ll turn around to show your annoyance, and that’s when your actual enemy will gun you down.
How To Waste Him: Verbal abuse. This is a guy on your own team, so you can’t actually hurt him with weapons; nor do we want to hurt our team’s score, so we prefer to hurt his feelings instead. Our three-step strategy goes like this: 1: Announce his gamertag on the in-game chat. 2: String together any profane/violent nightmarish thoughts you have floating in your head. 3: Direct those thoughts toward someone he loves. Example: “Hey, Sophisticow! I’m gonna hate-fuck your Nana’s ear canal.” You’re in your leisure time here, so get creative.
He’s been playing GTAVsince September, and only now that Titanfall is out has he decided to jump ship. It’s going to take him a few weeks to get used to the change in game dynamic, so until then, he’ll be lurking over the shoulder of every Titan that falls onto the map, hiding behind big rocks, trying to steal it (you can’t steal enemy Titans, you can only destroy them). When that fails, he’ll probably go try to rob a convenience store.
How To Waste Him: Get the right equipment for the job. Once you’re able to customize your Titan (opens at Level 4) you’ll be able to equip non-standard kit, which eventually includes Electric Smoke (unlocked at Level 12) that will kill any hangers-on. If you can’t wait that long, hopping out of your Titan to swat off the pest is effective (but time-consuming).
The Team Leader
He’s a well-rounded FPS player who knows how to take cover and properly clear a room, Quantico-style. The Team Leader will toss out the correct instructions for winning any kind of match, based on a combination of overall experience and specific knowledge about the game. If you’re the kind of gamer who’ll listen to someone with knowledge to share instead of talking about fucking people’s moms, this guy will genuinely make you a better player and get wins for your team.
How To Waste Him: Follow the leader. Well, not literally, because you don’t want to go head-to-head with this guy or the squad he’s directing, but try to pay attention to his tactics and fold them into your own strategy.
This guy was the first fan in the Titanfall Beta a few weeks ago and he played it well beyond the Level 14 cap just because he loved the gameplay. He’ll know the ins and outs of the game right from the get -go, and he’ll likely be camping and killing you until he reaches a level worth bragging about. At which point he’ll likely turn into the Lone Wolf or a Team Leader.
How To Waste Him: Screw that – just avoid him. Unless you’re an Addict yourself, this guy is gonna mop you up nine times out of 10.
The Beta Tester
Given the popularity of the game, we imagine the servers will be full of God’s honest players in no time, but that doesn’t mean Respawn Entertainment won’t have its underlings hidden among the masses to get real-time feedback about weapon power, level layout, and other in-game metrics. These guys will never admit that they’re internal employees of Respawn, but although they’ll be friendly and knowledgeable, they’ll mop you up without hesitation if you provoke them.
How To Waste Him: The element of surprise is your friend here. These guys have been playing the game for months and they’ve seen every “correct” approach to the game, so try something incorrect and throw them for a loop. While they marvel at the incredible double-jump-to-wall-run-to-zipline you just pulled off, take some pot shots their way.
This guy will be a mostly-friendly player who is a huge boon to your team and will be largely responsible for your success. However, the one defining characteristic of the commando (besides his skillful play) is his use of army-sanctioned jargon, calling out “bogeys on your six” or declaring a room “clear” before you enter. If you could see him, he’d actually be using Navy hand signals to direct nearby teammates, but Xbox One doesn’t allow for in-game video chat...yet.
How To Waste Him: Vigilance. This is a top notch player, so approach him as such. If Seal Team Six was sweeping a room where you were hiding, what would you do? Besides fire back as hard as you could and hope your death was quick and painless, obviously.
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You just can’t play a match without encountering a few of these guys.