100 Best Things In Cans

Because “100 Best Things in Envelopes” would have been stupid.

Because “100 Best Things in Envelopes” would have been stupid.

1. Beer




Obvious choice, but who said we needed to be cunning? Aside from the wonderful liquid inside, beer cans are collectible works of art. Just look at our beer pyramid and try not to well up. Beer and cans go together like PB and J. Speaking of which…

2. Sandwiches




Your voice says “Eww,” but your heart says, “Hmm.” Taste aside, the fact that you can buy a sandwich in a can proves that humans are baby steps away from becoming omniscient Gods.

3. Scorpions




While they don’t taste quite the same as your mom’s homemade scorpions, nothing beats the convenience.

4. Energy Drinks




Aww. How cute! These slender, smaller, crazy, and/or wild cans look like the hot girlfriend of a Pepsi can and the attractive friend of a tuna can.

5. Survival Kit




It contains everything you need in one easily misplaced or forgotten container.

6. Ice




Leave it to the Japanese to make Ice in a Can. The product is a frosty spray intended to keep people cool during dangerous heat waves. Or you can use it to modify the temperature of pizza, soup or giraffe blood.

7. Spray On Shirt


This is only in the prototype phase, but that’s close enough to get near the top of this prestigious list. The thought of one day waking up and putting on a shirt without mussing our sideways-mowhawk is what keeps us going.

8. Regular Shirt/Underwear/Pajamas




There is no better way to pack or tell your girlfriend, “I didn’t forget your birthday or Christmas! Here’s a gift that I put much thought into. Enjoy!”

9. Whipped Cream




Adding the sugary topping to a taco or stew has never been so convenient. Warning: Eating the entire can will make you a better, taller, more respected human being.

10. Air Horn




One tiny can. One million ways to piss off your cat.

11. Robot

12. Cheese



13. Paint


14. Soup


15. Shaving Cream


16. Fleshlight


17. Spam


18. Whole Chicken

19.Cheeseburger

20. Soda


21. Pudding


22. Nature’s Tears (Artificial tears)


23. Silly String

24. Wine

25. Whiskey

26.Pancake Batter



27. Pumpkin Pie Filling


28. Milk


29. Water


30. Gravy


31. Pears


32. Beans

33. Bacon



34. Pringles


35. Tear Gas


36. Spinach


37. Celery

38. Counter-Assault Bear Deterrent Spray

39. New Book Smell

40. Worms



41. Eggnog

42. Grapefruit Vodka

43. Tennis Balls


44. Racquetballs


45. Sterno


46. Snow

47. Fruit Cocktail


48. Caulk


49. Oil


50. Ghost

51. Artist’s Shit



52. Beefaroni


53. Spray Paint


54. Fix-A-Flat

55. Spotted Dick

56. Peas

57. Lasagna

58. Altoids

59. Turtle Wax


60. Shoe Polish


61. Unflavored Dehydrated Survival Food

62.Stove

63. Oxygen (Like in Spaceballs!)


64. Tomatoes


65. Pineapple Juice


66. Mace


67. Adhesive spray


68. Biscuit Dough


69. Cooking Spray


70. Hair Spray


71. Spray Hair


72. Cherry Pie Filling


73. Apple Pie Filling


74. Frosting


75. Mixed Nuts


76. Spam Lite


77. Spring Snakes in Fake Can of Peanuts


78. Phony Shaving Cream Container That Hides Dinosaur Embryos


79. Creamed Corn


80. Non-Creamed Corn


81. Broth


82. Coffee


83. Ravioli

84. Bug Spray


85. Hi-C Juice


86. Dog Food


87. Fake Tan


88. Cat Food


89. Tiny Servings of Orange Juice


90. Tuna


91. Tuna water


92. Gas


93. Crab Meat


94. Crab Juice


95. Coconut Water


96. Arizona-brand Grape Drink


97. Malt Liquor


98. Sparkling Wine


99. Whoop Ass



100. Another Beer

Maxim Staff