100 Best Things In Cans

Because “100 Best Things in Envelopes” would have been stupid.

Because “100 Best Things in Envelopes” would have been stupid.

1. Beer

Obvious choice, but who said we needed to be cunning? Aside from the wonderful liquid inside, beer cans are collectible works of art. Just look at our beer pyramid and try not to well up. Beer and cans go together like PB and J. Speaking of which…

2. Sandwiches

Your voice says “Eww,” but your heart says, “Hmm.” Taste aside, the fact that you can buy a sandwich in a can proves that humans are baby steps away from becoming omniscient Gods.

3. Scorpions

While they don’t taste quite the same as your mom’s homemade scorpions, nothing beats the convenience.

4. Energy Drinks

Aww. How cute! These slender, smaller, crazy, and/or wild cans look like the hot girlfriend of a Pepsi can and the attractive friend of a tuna can.

5. Survival Kit

It contains everything you need in one easily misplaced or forgotten container.

6. Ice

Leave it to the Japanese to make Ice in a Can. The product is a frosty spray intended to keep people cool during dangerous heat waves. Or you can use it to modify the temperature of pizza, soup or giraffe blood.

7. Spray On Shirt

This is only in the prototype phase, but that’s close enough to get near the top of this prestigious list. The thought of one day waking up and putting on a shirt without mussing our sideways-mowhawk is what keeps us going.

8. Regular Shirt/Underwear/Pajamas

There is no better way to pack or tell your girlfriend, “I didn’t forget your birthday or Christmas! Here’s a gift that I put much thought into. Enjoy!”

9. Whipped Cream

Adding the sugary topping to a taco or stew has never been so convenient. Warning: Eating the entire can will make you a better, taller, more respected human being.

10. Air Horn

One tiny can. One million ways to piss off your cat.

11. Robot

12. Cheese

13. Paint

14. Soup

15. Shaving Cream

16. Fleshlight

17. Spam

18. Whole Chicken


20. Soda

21. Pudding

22. Nature’s Tears (Artificial tears)

23. Silly String

24. Wine

25. Whiskey

26.Pancake Batter

27. Pumpkin Pie Filling

28. Milk

29. Water

30. Gravy

31. Pears

32. Beans

33. Bacon

34. Pringles

35. Tear Gas

36. Spinach

37. Celery

38. Counter-Assault Bear Deterrent Spray

39. New Book Smell

40. Worms

41. Eggnog

42. Grapefruit Vodka

43. Tennis Balls

44. Racquetballs

45. Sterno

46. Snow

47. Fruit Cocktail

48. Caulk

49. Oil

50. Ghost

51. Artist’s Shit

52. Beefaroni

53. Spray Paint

54. Fix-A-Flat

55. Spotted Dick

56. Peas

57. Lasagna

58. Altoids

59. Turtle Wax

60. Shoe Polish

61. Unflavored Dehydrated Survival Food


63. Oxygen (Like in Spaceballs!)

64. Tomatoes

65. Pineapple Juice

66. Mace

67. Adhesive spray

68. Biscuit Dough

69. Cooking Spray

70. Hair Spray

71. Spray Hair

72. Cherry Pie Filling

73. Apple Pie Filling

74. Frosting

75. Mixed Nuts

76. Spam Lite

77. Spring Snakes in Fake Can of Peanuts

78. Phony Shaving Cream Container That Hides Dinosaur Embryos

79. Creamed Corn

80. Non-Creamed Corn

81. Broth

82. Coffee

83. Ravioli

84. Bug Spray

85. Hi-C Juice

86. Dog Food

87. Fake Tan

88. Cat Food

89. Tiny Servings of Orange Juice

90. Tuna

91. Tuna water

92. Gas

93. Crab Meat

94. Crab Juice

95. Coconut Water

96. Arizona-brand Grape Drink

97. Malt Liquor

98. Sparkling Wine

99. Whoop Ass

100. Another Beer