The countries, planets and make-believe locales that would dominate that Summer Games.
Because the Olympic coverage seems like nothing but commercials, we had plenty of time to think about which fictional nation, world, planet, city, or other imaginary place we’d rather see compete.
1. Hoth – They laughed at the Jamaican bobsledders, and they may laugh at the Hothian beach volleyball players, but we know how this story ends. Best events: Beach volleyball.
A desolate, fiery location is perfect for breeding hardcore athletes far from the spying eyes of opponent. Best events: Long-distance running, archery and rhythmic gymnastics.
3. The Dothraki Sea (Game of Thrones) - The Dothraki live for war, and the Olympics are just one big weaponless war. Best events: Equestrian competition, wrestling and archery.
4. Arrakis - The desert planet from Dune is home to giant sandworms and potential athletes. Best event: Speedwalking, because it’s boring, just like Dune. SNAP!
5. Pandora - James Cameron showed us a world of giant, nimble warriors who would decimate all the puny humans. Best events: All of them.
The picturesque world set in a 1950s TV show is so perfect that surely the athletes would be strong and kind...until one of the other teams taught them about masturbation and color. (Because we all know the Olympic Village is nothing but a sex-fueled den of debauchery.) Best event: Track and field.
7. The North Pole - Santa is fat and lazy but his deer are the Michael Phelps of the animal kingdom. Best event: Games that are like Monopoly. They seem to be good at Monopoly.
Every athlete from Team Oz would be filled with doubt, until the last moment when they realized the ability to win was always inside them, and thus NBC would have another 600 hours of teary, heartwarming news packages to show us instead of showing actual events. Hey, did you guys know that Olympians wake up early and train hard? Thanks for reminding us every 15 minutes, NBC. Best event: Not swimming. Ozians don’t like water.
9. Toontown - Cartoons and the Olympics were already paired together in Hanna-Barbera’s Laff-A-Lympics, and the only difference here would be that Toontown has characters that people actually care about like Donald Duck and Bugs Bunny. (Apologies to all the Hong Kong Phooey fans.) Best event: None. They wouldn’t win, but would ensure no one else won either, by using elaborate traps and weapons.
10. Skull Island from King Kong- We’re talking about the scary natives from Peter Jackson’s version and not the racist natives from the original movie. What these folks lack in electricity and detergent, they make up for with agility and devotion. Best event: Pole vault.
11. Those Jurassic Park islands - Where in the Olympic rulebook does it state “No dinosaurs.” Unless it’s explicitly written, we see no reason why raptors and T-rexes can’t compete. Best event: Badminton. (Raptors are really, really smart and would pick up on the game in no time!)
12. Pooh Corner/The 100 Acre Woods - Tigger can bounce. The rest of Team Pooh is made up of losers and weak, emotional donkeys. But Tigger can bounce and bouncing is 79% of the Olympics. Best event: Trampoline.
13. Asgard - This is pretty much Mt. Olympus, but instead of Zeus and Hercules, we have Odin and Thor. Best event: Everything.
14. The island from Lost- The inhabitants of the island are a bunch of sad people with horrible fathers, but they do have one thing that gives them the Olympic edge: Magic caves. (Were you disappointed by the way that sentence ended. Now you know our pain.) Best event: Marathon running, though they'll totally give up towards the end.
15. Tatooine - Luke Skywalker would be team captain. The rest of the team would be Sand People and a few Jawas who would no doubt skip their events to steal from the other athletes in the Olympic Village. Best event: Fencing. (Both the sport and the illegal act.)
16. Predator’s Home World - The Predator aliens are fit and love exercise, so they’d be right at home at the Summer Games. Best event: Table tennis.
17. Bedrock - Have you see the guns on Bamm-Bamm? Best Event: Weightlifting.
18. Atlantis - The lost city is now home to mer-people, as is our understanding, and so we wouldn’t feel so bad if Michael Phelps lost to them. Best event: Swimming.
19. Mega City 1 - We get this confused with Mega City 2. Best event: Shooting.
20. Mega City 2 - See above.
21. Mars (Total Recall)
Mars is like an entire planet of X-men - sick and diseased X-men! Think of the mutant possibilities! Best event: Synchronized swimming, because they can hold their breath for a while.
Duh. Best event: Soccer. To make it fair, they’d only be allowed to enter one event, so why not make the most boring sport slightly interesting by adding superpowered god-people?
23. Mars (John Carter) - Before we fell asleep in the theater, we learned that humans on Mars can jump really far. So, it stands to reason, that martians on Earth would be sluggish and immovable. Best Event: Judo.
24. Freddy Krueger’s Dream World - Freddy would be the only participant, and he wouldn’t stand a chance in the real world, but he would have plenty of snappy things to say after murdering the children of the judges. Best event: None.
25. Oz (Prison) - They’re strong and mean, just like Russia (used to be). Best event: Anything the requires a shower after.
28. Water World
30. Themyscira - Home of Wonder Woman
33. Halo – The Halo from Halo
The Green Lanterns should compete if only to make up for the awful Green Lantern movie.
36. The Shire
39. Santa Prisca - Bane’s native country
40. South Park, Col.
41. The Computer World in Tron
43. Wherever Pinhead and Cenobites hail from
45. Twin Peaks
47. Island of Dr. Moreau
49. Kashyyyk - Wookiee homeworld
50. Never Neverland
52. The Land of Make Believe
54. That world outside the house in Beetlejuice
We’re not sure if anything exists in this dreamy place besides the sandworms, but the thought of a Dune sandworm vs. a Beetlejuice sandworm in a wrestling match is too good to pass up.
55. Cool World
57. Care-A-Lot - The Care Bears' world. Those bears be crazy good at all sorts of shit! Recognize.
59. Rapture - From Bioshock
60. Ego, the living planet
61. Halloween Town
62. Zion from The Matrix
63. Dark City
64. Pokemon World
65. Monster Island
66. Dinosaur Island
68. LV-426 - Planet from Alien
71. Mypos - Home of Balki Bartokomous
74. Freedonia - from Duck Soup
76. Mogo - Another giant living planet.
77. Forest Moon of Endor
79. Garden of Eden
80. El Dorado
81. Shangri La
83. Qo'noS - Klingon homeworld
85. Babar’s Kingdom
86. Super Mario World/Super Mario Land
90. Gotham City
93. Panem - The Hunger Games world
94. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
95. Radiator Springs
96. Neo Tokyo
97. Republic of Wadiya - The country from The Dictator
99. Land of the Lost
100. Disney World