100 Things That Annoy Louis C.K.

If we fix all these problems, the world will be one big joy orgasm.

Maxim Staff

Jun 21, 2012

If we fix all these problems, the world will be one big joy orgasm.

Photo: Eric Leibowitz / FX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Comedy god Louis C.K. is as honest as he is funny. From his stand-up to his amazing FX show Louie (the second season is now out on Blu-ray and DVD!) to his Twitter feed, you can tell he has a few problems with the world. Here are 100 things that Louis C.K. just doesn’t like. Though, we could have easily made this a thousand things if the Internet weren’t so small and stupid.

1. People who aren’t mesmerized by flying in a plane

2. People who hate their mobile phones

3. People who exaggerate about stepping in dog shit

4. His car “My life is really evil. There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That’s all they ever did. There’s people who are like born, and they go, “Oh, I’m hungry,” and then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I’m in my car, having a great time and I sleep like a baby.”

5. A bag of dicks

6. Following people on Twitter

7. A turtle’s lack of enthusiasm “An excited turtle looks exactly the same as a dead turtle.”

8. People who are afraid to laugh “I can have two thoughts simultaneously. 1. Gay people have a right to grow up and live in confidence happiness, honesty and equality.2.Tracey Morgan is ridiculous and I love watching him just go to wrongful and crazy places in his mind and I can laugh.”

9. Babies “What did the four babies have for lunch? I dunno. Just look on their fucking shirts. Goddamn messy asshole 4 babies.”

10. Dumb dogs that don’t know when they need medical attention

11. Homeless people who don’t murder and steal to survive “Start murdering and eating well! Why wouldn’t you do that?”

12. Homeless people who have nice hair “I would trade lives with him. I get the hair, he can have everything I have.”

13. People saying the N-word

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF1NUposXVQ

14. People

15. The mind of girls

16. Creationists

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tapt3XHJO8E

17. Kids who ask “why?”

18. Putting links in Twitter “Fucking dick on a pile of things, I fucked up the link again.”

19. Mortality “Most people are dead. Did you know that? It’s true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.”

20. His mom

21. Donald Rumsfeld:During an interview on The Opie and Anthony Show, Louis once asked Rumsfeld, “Are you a lizard person? Do you eat the poor?”

22. Old dogs ”Everything that makes you happy is going to end at some point, and nothing good ends well. It’s like, if you buy a puppy, you’re bringing it home to your family’s saying, hey, look, everyone, we’re all gonna cry soon. Look at what I brought home. I brought home us crying in a few years. Here we go. Countdown to sorrow with a puppy.”

23. Elderly aunts

24. Ducklings

25. Grammar Nazis “I wasn’t trying to write ‘measured’ you assholes. I was trying to write “meaured” which is a Hungarian word. It means ‘Duh!’”

26. Rotary Phones

27. People who recently traveled by plane

28. Deer “I would happily blow twenty guys in an alley with bleedy dicks so I could get AIDS and fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS.”

29. People in the coffee shop

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJ51BNYXbV4

30. Getting old

31. His own kids

32. The woman who complained that he texted while spending time with his kid

33. Young women

34. An Alaskan Politician“I’m not going to say anything about Sarah Palin this time. Because really it’s not that interesting that both of her tits are disgusting”

35. He seriously does not like her “When I suggested squirting diahhrea into Sarah Palin’s mouth, I added 20k followers.”

36. Social media

37. People who use their phones to capture awe-inspiring events

38. Being fair and balanced “If every word a person says has to be right and balanced and fair, I will jump off a tall thing onto a hard place.”

39. Drinking and then being tired

40. Smoking pot with fans “Sometimes young people will come up to me after and show and ask to smoke pot, and I just want to say, ‘Can I have my portion to take home with me and smoke it alone? Because I don’t want to spend one second with you.’”

41. Marriage

42. Banks

43. Eating “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”

44. People who are bored “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.”

45. Complaining about gay marriage “Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, ‘How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?’ I don’t know. It’s your shitty kid. You fuckin’ tell him. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love and can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for five minutes.”

46. Americans “People in other countries have real problems. Like, ‘Oh shit! They’re cutting off all our heads today.’ Here we make up problems, like ‘Why do I have to choose a language on the ATM machine?’”

47. White People Statistics “You could take a white guy to Africa and he’d say, ‘Look at all the minorities around here. I’m the only majority.’”

48. Women “There’s a reason it’s called Girls Gone Wild and not Women Gone Wild. When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.”

49. Mornings “Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I’m like, and I just go, ‘Ugh’.”

50. Getting stoned as a 40 year-old

51. Men’s Minds “If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. That’s how our brains work. ‘She’s an angel… and I want her to drown in my cum.’”

52. Taking his kids to the bathroom “So I gotta take them into the men’s room, that’s what I have to do, is take them into the John F. Kennedy Airport men’s room. Look here, girls! Nine penises! Nine penises that are all peeing at the same time. Nine farting men from all over the world, with their dicks out, shaking off droplets of pee from their syphilitic penises. Look, three of them have foreskins. You can see the difference now.

53. Sex ed “They taught us sex in school, and all they did was scare the shit out of me because they show you these diagrams of a penis, just this huge penis and it’s cut in half lengthwise. Like, yeah, that’s what your dick would look like if I ripped off half of it and threw it in the garbage.”

54. The PTA

55. Parenting roles “A waitress said to my kids the other day, ‘Isn’t that nice that you’re getting to have a little lunch with your daddy?’ And I was insulted by it, because I’m like, I’m fucking taking them to lunch, and then I’m taking them home, and then I’m feeding them and doing their homework with them and putting them to bed. She’s like, ‘Oh, this is special time with daddy.’ Well, no, this is boring time with daddy, the same as everything.” From Slate.

56. The economy “When I read things like ‘the foundations of capitalism are shattering,’ I’m like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we’re walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Because everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy…”

57. Travel

58. Lines

59. Conventional Hollywood (Louis writes, directs and edits his own show, and released his album and special via his own Website.)

60. His past movie work (probably) Louis wrote and directed Pootie Tang in 2001.

61. Colorful shirts Unless you go back to his appearance in the 1990s.

62. Eve (The rapper)

63. Doctors

64. Women radio hosts

65. Married people who aren’t parents

66. Itchy assholes

67. Guys who have confidence

68. Nymphomaniacs

69. Showering with others after gym class

70. Being polite and abstaining from using swear words

71. Other people’s children

72. Other parents

71. Bill Gates’ fortune

72. This generation

73. Single people

74. People who feel entitled

75. The woman in heels on the airplane who didn’t carry her own luggage

76. Leaving his house“I’m always in a 48 hour window of diarrhea. I can’t leave my house.”

77. Cruise ship comics “I just think they’re crap. It’s like being born racist. You just believe it. It’s just a thing in you.”

78. Saying goodbye at airports

79. You (Probably)

80. Most things

81. People who are offended by terrorism jokes

82. Society

83. Religion

84. Jerks

85. His own life

86. Kansas City

87. Fitness

88. This list (We assume. And we’re sorry.)

89. Weather

90. Animals

91. His past

92. His future

93. Money

94. Hecklers

95. The shame of buying Cinnabon at the airport

96. The actress who plays his daughter