The 14 Most Terrible Movie Teeth

Eyes are the window to the soul. Teeth are the gross plaque-y fence.

Eyes are the window to the soul. Teeth are the gross plaque-y fence.

Beauty is important in Hollywood, so it’s no surprise that most movie characters feature a perfect set of choppers even if they’re playing a 3rd century hobo. But still some movie makers make memorable movie teeth. Here are 14 of the most horrible and unforgettable enameled wonders. And order Piranha 3DD on Facebook for a chance to win a trip for two to Maxim Fridays in Vegas this Summer!

14. Return of the Jedi – Sarlacc

Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

A giant butt-hole in the desert would be bad enough, but add a few rows of filthy teeth and you have a memorable movie monster. Fall into the gaping maw of the Sarlacc and you’ll be slowly digested over a thousand years. Though how would anyone know that? And wouldn’t you just die right away, or, at the very least, from old age? Please explain the answers to these questions in the comments below and we’ll be sure to read them…aloud…to the entire office…in a funny voice.

13. Sleepy Hollow – Hessian Horseman

Photo: Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

The headless horseman was at his most frightening when he actually had a head – a head filled with sharpened teeth. Christopher Walken is such a method actor that he actually sharpened his teeth for the role…maybe. We’re not sure, but that seems like something he’d do. Prove us wrong, Chris. Prove us wrong.

12. The Hangover – Stu Price

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Actor Ed Helms is actually missing a tooth, which made Stu’s visage perfect after a Las Vegas evening. In the movie, Stu removes his own tooth to prove that he’s a great dentist. In real life, the story of the missing tooth is more wretched! WARNING! Do not read if you’re squeamish: According to People Magazine, Helms has worn an implant since he was 16 because…his adult tooth never came in. EWWWWWWW! [VOMIT] [PASS OUT] [VOMIT AGAIN]

11. Piranha 3D and 3DD – Piranha

Photo: Dimension Films | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

If you are what you eat, then these beast are part penis, part vagina, part butt, and all human. Their teeth are so sharp they can devour a beautiful women in seconds, making this slightly less agonizing than being devoured by a puppy…which would take days, if not weeks. Check out a wonderfully disgusting exlcusive clip from Piranha 3DD here!

10. The Goonies – Sloth

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

How did Sloth end up with such awful teeth? Surely there will one day be a horrible prequel called Goonies: Darkness of Shadows that will explain Sloth’s origin, but for now, let’s just assume Sloth is the result of being dropped as a baby, eating too much candy and good ol’ fashion chromosome malfunction.

9. Blade II – Nomak

Photo: New Line Cinema | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

“I like vampires who are handsome and shiny and know the meaning of true love,” said the tween girl. “I like vampires who have giant mouths the size of a baby’s head,” said the world’s creepiest grandmother. Guillermo Del Toro knows how to make a great monster, and these vamps, which feature a tear-away chin revealing their true mouth, are the stuff of nightmares.

8. Last Action Hero – Ripper

Photo: Columbia Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

A good bad guy needs horrible teeth, and since Ripper is a parody and amalgamation of other action movie villains he has one of the worst mouths of them all. Good news for all you Ripper/Tom Noonan fans: You can still buy the Ripper Action Figure on Amazon for just $3.49!

7. Gangs of New York – Hell-Cat Maggie

Photo: Miramax Films | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Beauty is only skin deep, but under the skin lies a set of teeth that makes us want to brush with bleach and a scouring pad. Maggies is our number one reason why we refuse to travel back to 1840s New York. The number 2 reason is “No dinosaurs.”

6. Little Shop of Horrors – Arthur Denton

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Most of the mouths on this list are gross, but Arthur Denton’s mouth is perhaps too clean. Denton (played by Bill Murry) loves, loves, loves the pain and suffering associated with dental work. While some may argue that the man-eating plant deserves to be on the list, we say to that, “Eh…maybe you’re right. Whatever. You’re taking this too seriously.”

5. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery – Austin Powers

Photo: New Line Cinema | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Hahahahahaha…because he’s British! Get it? Hahaha. If you don’t get it, not to worry. The movie series will keep hammering this joke so everyone gets a chance to laugh. Thanks, Mike Myers!

4. Hellraiser – Chattering Cenobite

All of the Cenobites are horrible, but there’s something charming and likable about Chatterer. Is he cold? Is he nervous? All we know is that we want to take care of the guy and buy him some lips.  

3. The Spy Who Loved Me/Moonraker–Jaws

Photo: United Artists | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

This is what the Daniel Craig Bond movies are missing: Giants with metal teeth. Jaws was ferocious, scary, tall and…kind of silly. (Why didn’t anyone just shoot him in the head?)

2. Aliens – Alien

Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

The Alien has perhaps the sexiest teeth of any monster on the list. Attention Crest: Acid blood and being drenched in continuous cosmic spit seem to be the perfect recipe for fantastic oral hygiene. These creatures puncture human skulls with one secondary-mouth punch and yet there’s nary a speck of flesh that needs to be flossed out. Color us impressed.

1. Teeth – Dawn O’Keefe

Photo: Roadside Attractions | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Not all horrifying movie teeth need to be visible. There’s a sensitive time in a young girl’s life when her “necessary” begins to grow a set of teeth. It happens to all girls, and it’s nothing to laugh at. Luckily, this movie takes the matter seriously and with unflinching science. And now we can discuss the topic openly. Thanks, Mike Myers!