To be fair to the brave men and women who come up with names for fireworks, there are only so many ways to rationally describe a product that does pretty much what your competitor's product does, except with minor differences that no one on the side of a highway in Texas cares about.
Sure, your red glittering brocade with violet dahlia, silver strobe and green glittering crown might transition into a tri-flower chrysanthemum bouquet, but does it have a picture of a sweet muscle truck on it? Because that's the one we're buying.
But at some point in recent years, the escalating arms race among fireworks manufacturers to creatively out-package one another took a turn toward stupid, then went violently off the rails. And now it appears they've scraped their way through the actual bottom and wound up in an entirely weirder place.
Imagine the dark, adolescent subconscious of a pimply kid who practices with throwing stars in his basement, except with a mother who shamelessly encourages his misguided creativity and pop-culture non sequiturs.
These guys are so far gone that they sometimes name fireworks the exact opposite of what the average Fourth of July consumer wants from a pyrotechnics purchase, like Terrible Night, Fatal Error, Death Bomb, and Creeping Death.
Here are our favorites from the current crop. Happy Fourth, everyone!
TRAIL OF TEARS
6,000 Native Americans die from disease and starvation while being force-marched off their lands—the firework!
At first you think this firework is about a serious, toxic health risk, but then you look a little closer and realize it's about shooting out the back of a person's skull through their mouth. Here's a sparkler, we're gunna go check on the hot dogs.
Nope. Not appropriate. Not OK.
HAPPY CLOWN BOMB
The firework that brings on your children's night terrors.
You can be damn sure this firework's colors don't run. That crazy-eyed eagle of freedom is PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN USA!
He's got this.
ADDICTED TO QUACK
BUT WHY IS THERE A BABY? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THOSE PEOPLE? CALL THE POLICE!
So weird. So cute. So weird.
Boss Fireworks Guy: "Hey, remember those pink ones from last year that didn't move? Boom. Now they're for breast cancer." Other Fireworks Guy: "That's why you're the boss."
Someone should snap up the movie rights to this firework before Hollywood discovers it. Shirtless Slovenian vigilantes save civilization the only way they know how: with a skateboard and the world's last yellow Hummer. Script writes itself.
"It's when your brain needs to sneeze, but it cain't cause it's a brain, so it just hurts." We loved this one before we found out it was another Duck Dynasty reference.
HOW YOU DOING?
The world's only known Friends reference/mullet crossover product.
FAST FOODThis completely fireworks-unrelated visual pun with the meat riding bikes is delightful—right up to the moment you realize that's definitely a horse or some kind of mountain goat on the left.
ONE BAD MOTHER-IN-LAWHowever you interpret who broke the TV in the above scenario, there's 100 percent too much implied domestic violence going on with this firework.
WIFE'S REVENGEWhat better way to commemorate America's independence than to gaze up at that beautiful explosion of color in the sky and reflect for a few fleeting seconds on the murder of your mistress.