20 Dumb MLB All-Star Drinking Games

Celebrate this weekend’s meeting of baseball stars by getting seriously sauced.

Just when every sport goes on month-long holidays, baseball has the nerve to take a weekend off. Who does that baseball think he is? Show that sport who’s boss by playing any or all of these Maxim approved, alcoholic-certified drinking games—ideal ways to spice up the All-Star weekend with a much-needed dose of inebriated anarchy.

1. Whenever someone is shown spitting, take a drink.

2. Every time they show a player’s kid, take a drink.

3. Every time Chris Berman says “Backbackbackback,” take a shot.

4. Whenever camera audio picks up a player yelling, “FUCK!” when he whiffs, finish your drink.

5. Every time Derek Jeter unnecessarily leaps and spins in the air for a routine throw to first, roll your eyes and take a drink.

6. Every time the douche-bag behind home plate is shown on his cell phone, staring directly into camera and waving, shout something at the screen and take a drink.

7. Every time Bud Selig is shown and he has a big mustard stain on his tie, shotgun a can.

8. If two guys get into a fight over a foul ball, finish your drink.

9. Every time one of those little jerk Little Leaguers who sits in the outfield waiting for pop flys during the derby falls down, take a drink AND LAUGH, LAUGH THE LAUGH OF THE GODS.

10. Every time a player scratches his balls, take a shot.

11. Whenever A-rod refastens his batting gloves, stand up and take a big drink.

12. If someone makes a nonchalant foul-ball catch, finish your drink.

13. Any point you find yourself wondering if there is a better use of four hours of your life, order a pizza.

14. Every time you think: I can’t believe I’ve been watching a bunch of dudes take batting practice for three hours, take a shot.

15. Every time one of your friends claims he could hit those lobbed 70-mph pitches out of the park, too, poke him in the eye and then take a drink.

16. Every time the Spanish “Beisbol” ad rolls around in the backstop, take a drink.

17. Whenever someone hits a homerun, run round the couch while drinking.

18. If someone falls asleep while watching, wake him up and make him chug a beer.

19. Every time they zoom in on (or wheel out on the field) some retired baseball player while the announcers give him a verbal BJ about how he “changed the game,” take a shot. Two shots if they actually did “change the game”

20. Just make it easy on yourself and drink every time the ball is hit. You don’t have to worry about the rest (or, indeed, anything) if you stick to that.