2014 NFL Mock Draft, Based on the Awesomeness of Players’ Names

Pay attention, NFL GMs – you might learn something.

With the NFL Draft on the horizon, there are enough mock drafts to make Mel Kiper beg for mercy. That’s why we’re giving you the definitive top 10 and ranking the players on what really matters: How awesome their name sounds (extra points for how hard it is for Jon Gruden to pronounce). Let’s take a look at the big board!

10. Greg Robinson

Booooring. The last average-named dude to get drafted first overall and make the Pro Bowl was Jake Long six years ago.

9. Derek Carr

Sure, Derek Carr is a good, solid QB name. But so was David Carr, and we all know how that turned out.

8. Johnny Manziel

Sure, this is the name on his license, but he goes by “Johnny Football.” That would be a straight up number one pick if it didn’t stink of a moniker he pushed for himself. Nicknaming yourself is name faux pas number one.

7. Odell Beckham Jr.

It doesn’t matter if it’s football, boxing, or NASCAR; this dude was born to be an athlete. Or at least named to be one.

6. Jimmy Garoppolo

This is a pretty solid name, but he should probably shorten it a bit. Maybe Jimmy Graps or Jimmy the Shark? Anything vaguely Mafioso will do.

5. Xavier Su’a-Filo

America was barely ready to learn how to pronounce Manti Te’o, so this dude is about to break this country’s brain.

4. Weston Richburg

Sure, he sounds like he’s some sort of wealthy, cartoon pig who sports a cigar and a monocle, but isn’t that exactly what you want the other team to think?

3. Blake Bortles

Strong name for a leader. Full of tenacity. Strength. Intangibles. Also, it kind of sounds like something you’d name a turtle.

2. Jadeveon Clowney

Funny name, serious player. I think we all recall the hit that shook Michigan to the core. If he can keep his play up to the level where it’s been (at least when he’s chosen to go 100%), his hilarious name should take care of the rest.

1. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix

Was there any doubt? Ha Ha Clinton-Dix has the most solid name the NFL draft has seen in years. We might as well put him in the Hall of Fame right now. As far as his playing skills go, uh, well, we have no idea. 

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